My diary (Ooh i'm so creative)
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2002-02-16 10:35:13 (UTC)

I'm sick of hearing all of these love songs on the radio

I'm sick of hearing all of these love songs on the
radio,the happy songs about a new love, the forlorn songs
about lost love the angry songs about a love thats screwed
up, the songs that show me how much I want someone, the
songs that make me want to cry, the songs that make my
heart ache, i didn't realise that your heart could actually
ache for something...but it really can.

Valentines Day has been and gone and like every other year
was it was a non-event.I sit there and I bag out all of the
girls that are giggling and laughing and screaming when
they get a valentine or a flower or a card, but secretly,
quietly I yearn to be one of them, i want to be wanted, i
want to be dreamt about, I want someone to know eveything
about me, and still like me for the person I am, still love
me for the person i am...people tell me I'm beautiful and I
know that somewhere inside myself I know that I'm not this
hideous monstrous freak, but I can't help but feel that
something is wrong with me.I don't know what it is, is it
that I intmidate guys? I'm not outgoing enough,it seems
that the only guys that ever like me are my friends, is
that cause I'm only able to show the real me around them?
Its so stupid people look at me and they think I'm so
straight, its bullshit, they just don't understand me, they
don't know who I am,they just make judgements based on my
exterior self thats shown to everyone...yeah this happens
to everyone I just sucks

I am over Mark so much it isn't funny, don't get me wrong,
my tummy hurts when he smiles at me and I can't help but
smile when I think about him, but then I think about what
he did to me and I realise that there are so many beautiful
people out there people that are rich in character, these
are the kinda people I wanna meet. I dunno I think I like
the feeling of wanting someone and obviously the feeling of
them liking me back that feeling where you're just hoping
and pleading to someone or something out there..please
please please just don't stop liking me, don't stop wanting
me. i want movie love...just once...the kind of love that
just overcomes all obsticals I'm getting kinda pessimistic
about it all I dont think it even exists. i used to think
that love comes to those who believe in it...not too sure
anymore though, yo see I've been believeing and waiting for
a long time now.

You know when you have dreams and they're just the most
perfect dream, where everything your heart wishes for comes
true? The kinda dreams that you want to cling to and
remember forever? I hate those dreams, if anything shows me
how deperately and bitterly lonely I am, its those dreams.

I went to Callan's house today, i wish i could want him,
but I can't, he's so perfect for me in so many ways, but
I'm just not attracted to him, sometimes i think i am, but
I know that I'm not. It would be so much easier if, just
for once, i could want someone that actually wants me back.
I guess i just want what i can't have

One day I'll find what I'm looking for, i've just got to
believe that i will...well thats what I'm going to keep
telling myself for now anyway.


"And but thou love me, let them find me here my life were
better eded by their hate than death prorouged, wanting of
thy love"

William Shakespeare Romeo and Juliet

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