fucked up
2002-02-16 10:29:58 (UTC)

how can i live

the only way i can live with myself is to not realize i am
me. to not realize that i have feelings. If i am with
anyone els than i can concentrate on them, or making our
relationship better, etc. No one seems to understand.
Rose is mad and hurt that i don't see her anymore. i know
i shouldn't ignore my friends. i don't think i do. but i
guess that if they feel that i am than thats all that
matters.i asked everyone if they wanted to see a movie with
matt and i. for i minute i thought they were actually
going to come. i was so happy. i was actually going to
see eric again. i want to see him again. i havn't heard
from him or anything like that in a long long time. but
wtf do i do. i don't feel that i can call just call him up
like i used to be able to do. i tried that one night, but
he wasn't there. it was wierd when he asked why i called.
oh god it hurts so bad to have gone out with someone for
over a year, and not only did you not know anything aobut
them, you undeniably held them back from being all that
they could be. He is into things that i had never known.
He liikes tarot. he never fucking told me that, he never
even told me that he was in to magic. i just want to know
that hes ok. i just want to see him again. i feel mad and
betrayd. i had the chance to see everyone. rose, eric,
mars, garrett, brad, and matt. but only me matt brad and
brother ended up going. i was so hurt. it just ment so
much to me to see everyone. why the fuck should i try to
make plans with anyone if all they do is blow up in my
face. Well in that case why do i do anything. its
questions like that that clicks in my suicidal way of
thinking. just that all of the good things end up bad. so
what the fuck is the point. omg i almost erased everything
i just said because i was afraid of people woring about me
well you know what??fuck that. You hear me???FUCK YOU.
FUCK EVERYONE. i am so fucking sick of all this shit. i am
so sick of people telling me that im not right. i know
that im not. i know that i fuck up everything i touch.
thank you for just showing me what i perposefully forgett
to think aobut. why do people not understnad what thier
doing. i try not to think like that. i don't really fuck
up everything i touch. i havn't fucked up....well fuck me
to tears i cant think of anything i havn't screwed up. i
just rememberd that when we were doing a ritual i was
talking about that im suicidal becuase i hurt everyone.
everyone. and mars said i hadn't hurt her. that felt so
great. i hadn't fucked her over yet. it was so great.
but im sure that i hurt her when i stoped seing all of my
friends because i had a new man in my life. fuck that. im
sick of hearing that. if it was so bad, if i was ignoring
her so much then why the fuck didn't she try to do
something about it. Do people not realize that i don't
realize when i hurt peopl??? i know when i hurt myself.
physically and mentally. but i can't tell when i hurt
others. It kills me to know that i am hurting people. i
cant fucking stand it. i am so fucking sick of this shit.
don't wory though i'll forgett all of this bu morning. but
i wont forgett one thing. my last words. i have 2 words
for everyone that i will never forgett. FUCK YOU. fuck you rose.
fuck you sandee fuck you garrett. fuck you matt. fuck you eric.
fuck you mars. fuck you hillary. fuck you elliot. fuck you mom. fuck
you dad. fuck you wendy. fuck you david. fuck you grandma and
grandpa, (all of them). fuck you aunts. fuck you uncles. fuck you
cousins.fuck you world. fuck you goddess/god/whoever the fuck you
think think you are. but most of, all fuck you noelle. i hate you
most of all. it is so hard even knowing you remotely. it is so hard
having to go through and fix all of the pain you've cossed to
everyone. i am sick of this. i am going to bed, or at least trying
to. good night and sweat dreams everyone.