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2001-04-29 06:50:04 (UTC)


im ashley. ive never done one of these online diary type o'
things before but i suppose this would be a good place to
keep control of some of my thoughts day to day...so my ex
girlfriend just left. and i really think i fucked things up
this time...ive been sort of seeing this really great girl,
and although we're not together "together", tonight has
proved that i feel some what commited to her. i almost had
sex with my ex tonight. but i didnt. i made her stop.
becuase it felt weird to me...actually. ever since sandy
and i broke up ive felt weird about things...its like im
incapable of caring about someone. i never let anyone in
before her. and i got HARDcore fucked over. now we dont
even talk. and there isnt a day that goes by that i dont
wonder about her. although i know shes not concerned about
me...its weird. how you can love someone sooo much and be
sooo happy and then something happens and it get all sorts
of fucked up. and you dont even talk. its like ohhhhh i
love you SO MUCH and then like in less than a year, oh. no
i hate you. does anyone else find that strange?? and it
seem like almost every relationship ends up that
way....maybe im pessimistic. but, its just like, oh you
meet someone, you like them, they like you, youre happy,
shit happens, youre sad. its the way it works...i wonder
how many people are really happy...you know...i havent been
HONESTLY really happy since i quit using drugs, over a year
ago...is that bad? is it bad that i miss it...i wont go
back, i know that. its caused me too much pain. but at the
same time, brought me SO much happiness that i have never
found in anything else...people bore me. all the drama is
so annoying and trite. ive realized that i only hangout
with people becuase i get bored. and they entertain me. and
when they stop doing that, i stop calling them back...am i
a bitch??? i dont understand. i have trilatereal scoliosis.
it sucks. my back always hurts...tonight is especially bad.
and ive pretty much quit taking pain medication...i dont
like chemicals at all. so...thats one of the main reasons
im awake at 2 15 in the morning...writing a bunch of shit
that i doubt anyone will ever really read...i do miss
drugs...they were such a large part of my life. and now
thats gone. that cant make me happy anymore. sandy made me
happy. and now shes gone...my grandma just died. i miss
her. my dad hates me because im gay...its weird. knowing
that someone you love so much and someone who youve been so
close to, can hate you SO much. i wonder sometimes if that
affects me more than i think it does. my mom is great
though. shes so sweet and wonderful i love her SOOO fucking
much. i was raped twice when i was 15...that sucks too. but
ive had such a good life. i have done so much. and im still
sooo young. i feel inside sometimes like im forty instead
of seventeen. i od'ed so many times, but im still here. and
im clean. lol. ME. IM clean. its still strange to me, over
a year later...i quit using drugs. i wonder if things are
better this way sometimes though. and everyones always
like, ohhh yes theyre better ashley...just because they
think that if they dont say that im going to go like run
and freebase in the bathroom or some shit...i have control
now...over myself. and i like it. but...i miss all the
stuff i did back then. all the crazy shit. it was so great.
and now what do i have to look forward to?? college?
cleaning my room? sex doesnt even interest me anymore...its
awful.and i have a really great girl whos all into me and
im just being retarded. and i dont know why...shes so
great. i love ani. im so sad right now....everyone and
everything i have ever loved has left me. why. i dont
understand...is that just the way life is. a bunch of
unhappy things...i try to live for the happy things