devoured

Dear AP

I didn't think that I would keep in touch with you for
two years after graduation, especially after that year you
put me through. But you remained in my life somehow, even
though I didn't want it anymore. And here we are, me,
writing a letter to you that I can't give to you because I
am afraid to let go... to say goodbye.
I hate that I can't stop loving you, even though I know
you don't feel the same way. To you, I am just a sure
backup whenever you're not already in love with someone
else. I am so vulnerable to you and I hate that I have
wasted so much time doing so. You don't deserve my love.
I was never a priority and even though I know it, I can't
let go. The other day when you wrote to me, you said to
email you back if I wasn't too mad. I was surprised that
you even sensed that on the phone. But who wouldn't be if
you called them and didn't listen to a word they said and
had to suddenly go like that? I'm angry, I'm frustrated,
and I am tired. I used to be afraid that I would lose you
forever and I did everything that I could to remind you
that I was always there for you, whether or not you were
preoccupied with other girls. I loved you and I still do,
unconditionally it seems.
I wish that I could tell you all the things that I wrote
in that reply email, the one I'm about to write here for
strangers to see, but maybe never for you.
Dear AP,

Look, I'm not mad. Frustrated...yes. And I know
you're very busy and everything but when you call me, don't
even listen to a word I'm saying, and then have to leave
abruptly; well, that's just rude. But whatever, I can't
say that those things surprise me anymore.
I'm sorry you're overwhelmed with things, I am too. I
have midterms to study for and I haven't even finished
reading some of the chapters, then I have to worry about a
paper to write for another class. That won't be due
until another week or so but the topics are hard.
You know, you're the only person that makes me feel
good and bad at the same time. I feel bad because you make
me feel like I'm not important and that whatever time that
you can make for me, I should just be happy and take it.
This has nothing to do with the so-called trip we were
planning,I'm just making a generalization of things.
That's how you are, you seem to only care about yourself.
I don't really blame you though, in this world, no one is
going to help you if you don't help yourself. And I
suppose I do things in that way too, except I can't with
you. I always think about you and do for you before I do
for myself.
I would think that after all this time you would have
learned that you can't play games with me. I'm not just
some girl you met over a break and had a fling with. It
doesn't work that way. It's never just a fling between us,
it's like a cycle that never ends. You keep coming and
going into and out of my life, you never let me recover or
forget. It's like some wound that won't ever close because
I keep cutting it open. Sometimes, I don't know what to do
with myself because I care so much about you, so much that
I hate it. Because you don't care for me in that way. But
I don't hate you for that because we can't choose whom we
love. But I do resent you for taking advantage of me, you
may not do it intentionally but you should
know better. You that I am vulnerable to you and that I
would do anything for you. I have been there for you
unconditionally. And that's why it's your responsibility
to tell me the truth and not to drag me along because I
can't do it for myself. When you call, instead of
remembering how much you've hurt me, I still agree to see
you; instead of being extra careful, I'm careless with
myself. I know that you will hurt me and still, I can't
turn away.
I used to think that it didn't matter, because I would
be able to wait for you and I would be happy with whatever
part of your life that I became. But I can't, no one can
wait forever. I would never hurt you the way that you have
hurt me. And as many times as you bring up whatever
mistakes I may have done, you've inflicted more pain upon
me than you could ever justify. I have waited for as long
as I can. I know the truth, that to you, I am just someone
that you can fall back on whenever you're not already in
love with someone else. I know that you would never choose
me over another person already in your life. And that's
the difference between you and me, one of the many
differences. I would do anything for you, I would leave
someone who loved me for you... And I'm not asking you to
do anything, and I'm not asking for any explanations
because you can't tell me anything that I don't already
know. I really love you and that's all I can say, I don't
expect anything from you. Like you say, God only knows
what will happen. But I do know that I can't just keep
swallowing all this false hope that you give me from time
to time because it only makes things worse. I can't just
keep playing games, pretending, hoping... waiting forever.
I can't remain in limbo with you forever, something has to
happen. Whether it starts or it ends, something has to be
done. Do you understand? Tell me, tell me the truth so I
don't keep wasting your time. Do you want me to move
on? There's no point in me having these feelings for
someone who doesn't want them. You don't have to be afraid
of hurting my feelings or whatever, because it doesn't
matter. This is your life and you have the right to
deny anyone you don't want. So whether I get hurt or not
is irrevelant because I care about you and like a
cliche, "I want you to be happy", whether I'm in it or not.

Well, I started to write this letter with the intention of
saying goodbye, an ultimatum perhaps. And instead, I just
grew soft on you again, like I alway do. Somehow making it
seem as if I was the burden and it's all your choice and
not mine. Why I rob myself of that choice is still a
mystery to me. I guess I do it because I love you so much.
That's all I suppose for now...

-Devoured