The Sarcastic Miss Jen

THE DIARY OF INSANITY
2002-02-15 20:06:36 (UTC)

Valentine's day disaster.

It's actually still in the midst of happening, so
truthfully i cant' tell you all about, becuase in order for
me to do that i need to look at it retrospectivly and I
cant' since i'm still experiancing it. So i'm gonna try to
be completely impartail and tell you what happened.

First thing is that Catie surprised ben for V-day. She came
a day early and sent off presents to us. It was great. Ben
was extreamly happy. the only problem was that she had to
leave early on V-day about 9:55, but she was trying to stay
later.

Second thing. My present for robert is going to be in late.
So we decided to have our V day on mon. but today was nice
because he had the day off and his gaming* was cancled due
to the fact that half of the group had girlfriends.

Third thing, max was the one holding the game and decided
to throw a mini game for the people who didnt' have
anything to do on V-day....are you seeing were this is
going?

Max, blake, ben, robert, catie and I are all eating at this
resturant. we are all talking and the subject of the gaming
tonight falls into topic. Ben claims that he's going...only
problem is that gaming starts at 8. right after ben's
workout. This means no time at all for catie, who had lots
of things planned for ben and her. He asks her in front of
evreyone, which menas of course you cannot say no. it's
just written in the laws of girlie friends. ben also asks
robert if he's going and he says yes also becuase he knows
our Vday is on mon. catie goes home early and I go home
alone. Robert tells me that it's a short game and he'll beh
home early. He doesnt get the game done until 1;30 and i
have no idea when he actually was at my door. I miss the
call because i'm asleep assuming he wasnt' coming. I end up
spending my Vday with robby while both of us talk about
communication amongst people in general. To top it all off,
rudy sends me an Email, reminding me aobut how nice last
year was, but of course I coudnt' actually talk to him or
see him to make things better, and buddy somehow is in
town. at 8am i get a call from chris that buddy was at the
bus station until 10am. I almost walked there. but I didtn,
it just seemed silly. though i did want to see how he was
doing. I went back to bed and had a dream about buddy
coming to visit and robert getting upset because he assumed
that since he was here that we were no longer together and
I was hooking back up with buddy. it was weird.

and now i'm going to just come of with concepts that seem
to be bugging me, but these are just ideas, rational and
irrational, i'm getting to the point were i dont' really
belive some of these anyomore **:

The fact that robert always games on thursdays, his only
day off and today was the day when i could actualy have him
all to myself, was canceled.

He chose gaming over me.

He's doing exactly what ben was doing to catie.

Robert need this because he needs to get away from me.

I've sarficed evreything from sleep to money to time my
friends to make him content. I seriously see nothing but
him all week and then go to his apt on the weekends and go
to his friends place and hang out with them. My school is
going downhill, though this is kinda irrelivant since I
dotn think that has anything to do with him. and he still
wants to go hang out with his friends.

he's got his priorites list ( you know this one rudy)and i
rank on bottom.

I was discussing my "ideal" kinda guy and by some reason
robert does kinda fit them closely. Dark hair, pale skin,
lanky, kinda of thing, but when robert described his ideal
girl i was no wear in the vicinity. Black straight hair,
pale skin and blue eyes. Truthfully that's the kinda think
I look for in girls.

The fact that i'm upset, pisses me off. I have no reason to
be.

The concept of does he like to have a girlfirend or does he
like to have me comes up somtimes.

Evreytime i've heard him describe somone who's really hot
or some girl he met that was just gorgous, or even girls
that brought more than that and seemed like a pursuit in
realtionships. He makes this noice like it hurts, they are
so hot and how he's just overcome with this infatuation and
he just goes on and on. Our realationship is descibed as we
hung out and talked a lot and kinda got together...okay
this one is serisouly stupid, but it's actually one of the
ones that really hurts.

I'm confused because all of these are based on insecurties
and truthfully i could augue against evreyone of these. So
dont' write in and try to boost my ego, i'm aware of
myself. but as you can see the insecurity level in all fo
these are just through the roof. I'm really confused. is it
somthing outside that's effecting it? is it one instance,
many? one big one that's causing me to be so irrational?
crazyness. Don't think that robert is some horrible person,
i'm just being wierd and he doesnt' know how to handle it.
It can be worked out and i'm sure it will be today, so
dont' get all OOo and awww kinda of thing i'm just fine.
Just a werid instance for a wierd girl. The insanity never
stops


*gaming. LIke the D&D type. Role playing. the storyline for
it is actually really interesting. I get to hear aobut it
evrey tuesday night when he come home, i wait for him to
get back around 2:30 and granted i have to go to work
around 5:30 but I like to listen to him talk about somthing
he's excited about. this kinda of thing has always been
around me, I claim that I hate it just to be disobediant,
but i liked it when i gamed with rudy, he's the sucessful
one in converting me, my brother is the best though he's an
awsome player. The reason i wouldnt dare play with robert
or ben is that i'm not very goood at it. I played with rudy
because the other players also had no idea what to do, we
were all newcomers to the game, mistakes were okay.I was a
female gunslinger, it rocked...okay enough with my dumbness.

** random tangent** in the middle of me typing i got phone
call from somone who was trying to sell me a card. Because
robert does this I get the other side to this kind of
occurance. Usually i listen to it all and then say no thank
you, but robert told me it would be better to just cut them
off imedatly so they can move on to somone who is
interested.I tried to do that by saying Um no i'm not
interested...I get this really long pause and then the
woman says....Jenny? do you have any cards now? I tell her
yes two of them, with very big balances. She says well
that's perfect..and continues on with her speal. After
she's done talking for another minute I say no again and
she leaves me alone. Next time I seriously going to
say "hey my boyfirend does this, i know how it is, so i'm
just going to tell you that I dont' need what you givng me
and really really dotn' want it, so please go to the next
number and have a nice day" heh i'm dumb.k back to the
story of woe.




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