My life as Trick
2002-02-15 18:21:43 (UTC)

IMing for Dummies

I think that there should be a book on how to chat with
people online. In fact, I thought that in a world where the
have "Salsa Dancing for the Complete Idiot" and "Dating for
Dummies" I would be golden in learning how to chat over the
internet with complete strangers.

You see, I have a secret. I have absolutely no idea of how
to carry on small talk...


I've never really been good at it, my parents having been
part of the "Kids should shut the hell up and fetch my
beer" generation, and the times that I've had to do
actually carry on small talk(for work and such), I'm
usually following a script that's been worked out for me by
the company.

Now, I'm a trainer for a corporation AND I have a
music/theatre/improv background, so you would think that I
could at least fake it... but I can't.

I have absolutely no problem with keeping my friends
entertained. I have a sharp tongue and a quick wit with a
well-developed sense of humor and tact. That's just the
way it is.

And no way of using it when I'm dealing with a complete

IMing in general just blows my mind. Especaally to the
people that are looking for a quick hook-up...

It generally goes a little something like this:

Them: Hey there. What are you doing?
Me: Hey. Nothing. What are you doing?
Them: I'm working on a paper.
Me: Well good. So. It's cold here. There?
Them:(door shuts)

That's it. That's as far as I can go. I'm used to selling
things (and myself, but that's another story)face-to-face.
I can drone on for hours about this particular gizmo, that
new whatzit... But I have all the signals that are being
sent by the person (consiously or unconsciously) right
there in front of me to work with. If I make them laugh, I
can see it. If I'm boring them to tears, I can tell and
adeptly switch topics. Othewise:

Me: So I was reading this new issue of Superman, and blah
blah blah blah blah blah... blah blah blah blah......blah
blah blah blah.... blah blah
Them: (door shuts)

PLUS they have the bonus of being right there next to me,
which helps them out when trying to determine whether I'm
serious or just trying to see if I can get them into

Them: What do you like to do in your spare time?
Me: Tie up the old lady who lives downstairs and pull out
the anal probes. You wanna come over? I have an extra mask
and set of gloves...
Them: (door shuts)

And I tend to be a little old-fashioned in my chats which
is really the kiss of death when combined with my ability
to say pretty much anything to pretty much anybody. But
that is TOTALLY my fault. I'm online and expecting people
looking for a booty call to wine and dine me. How messed up
is that. So once they start in, it goes a little something
like this:

Them: Pic? Stats?
Me: A hello would be nice, fucker.
Them: Sorry. Hello. Stats? Pic?
Me: 56y/o, 560lbs, bald, green eyes, extra-hairy, 4"uncut, pre-op
transexual who likes to be spanked and diapered.
Them: (door shuts)

**SkyTrick's Note: I'm SO not pre-op. ;)**

You'd be AMAZED how many people THAT drives off. :) Even
more scary? You'd be MORE amazed at how many people it

Feeling extra chatty today,