Visions Of Life
2002-02-15 15:39:58 (UTC)

Produce Binge


I look in the glass and see only a shadow. Formless figure
with piercing eyes. No longer wandering the corriders. No.
This shadow has found her place among the living, but is in
desperate need of a form...

Valentines Day kicked ass. I didnt do alot but I spent time
with my significant other and we cuddles and atempted to
sleep. I like being close to him. I feel so safe and
wanted. Ive never truly felt that way before...

I actually bought food today. My kitchen is totally
stocked. I am so proud. I went on a produce section binge..
And I still didnt buy everything i wanted. Fruit is
expensive. I wanted a mango but those are like 2 buck each!
I am getting strawberries later.. and maybe some grapes..
and who knows.. i may splurge on a mango.. I am having
weird cravings lately.. fruit.. meat.. peanut butter and
jelly.. I think its just my favorite influence..

My mood is still stable. Not depressed. Not manic. I am
floating in the middle range and for being bipolar, that
should be heaven.. But I hate it. I want to be manic. I
agrue with myself numerous times over this matter. being
manic is a little dangerous. Its like being on a powerful
and wonderful and addictive drug. While high, you are on
top of the world and when the high goes away, you plummet
downward into a place worse than Hades. I should be
thankful that I am in this middle mood area. My
psychiatrist would be happy if I still saw him. Meds
brought be here back in the day but it cost me a great
deal. Mood stabilizers have horrible side effects. And
bipolar is hard to treat with meds. The pills will work
great for months then stop working. So then you need to
start all over. I always felt like a lab rat(but cuter). I
can see the good and bad in my interesting situation.

Good- my mind feels like it has been reborn and it is
functioning better. World domination here I come.

Bad- I do not feel as creative

Good- No unpleasant cycling. That should make all those
around me happy

Bad- I am happy but not ultra happy

Ah well. I think I could get used to being "normal"
and "stable".At least stability will work to my advantae
when I run for president...

This whole "future" business annoys me. I cannot even get a
glance of what my future holds, and when i do, I push it
away as a pipe dream. I know what I want but am doubtful
that all of the pieces will fit together. Probally just the
pessimistic lobe of my brain thinking. Sometimes I find it
impossible to believe that good things can happen to me.
And when something wonderfully great comes into my life
(like a shadowy figure capturing my heart), I almost feel
like its a dream. I must have done some good deeds in a
past life to deserve what I have. I would face any demon,
conquer any castle, just to keep this great aspect in my
life. Every bad thing I have been through, Id face again
with a smile on my face because I would know what lies