Bipolar - Fucked up
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2002-02-15 10:16:38 (UTC)

CoNsPiErAcY aNd PaRaNoA

well lately ive been having alot of ups and downs. the
manifestations and delusions in my head are growing. im
feeling the whole world is against me and all together in
a conspieracy to end my life. i just dont know what to do
anymore, ive been so paronoid and i know that my family
loves me and everything but i cant help thinking they
would wish i was dead to. now its 5:00 in the morning and
i cant sleep, my mom just came down stairs and yelled at
me for not going to sleep but the truth is i couldnt fall
asleep right now if i wasnted to. ive just had like all
these mood swings and stuff lately and everything seems to
be falling down around me. like i mean to everyone else it
seems like im getting better, i mean like im not smokeing
nemore, and im not drinkin, havent been staying out all
night and not coming home, havent even been getting
introuble. but sometimes the pressures are just to great
for me to take. I have all this pressure to behave and
shit but then on the other hand i have all these people
giving up on me b/c im not changing fast enough and all
these people saying i never will change. and thats what
really makes me want to change for the better even more.
but like getting kicked out of school now brings my hopes
down but all i can do is take it one day to the next. and
lately for some reason ive been having all these
nightmares about people tryig to kill me and rape me and
shit. well i dunno its 5:15 now i guess ill just go watch
some tv with my dad and wait for everyone else to wake up.
much love-michelle