jamieg

2.14.02

ah, another valentine's day without a valentine. how fun.
i feel particularly uncomfortable and depressed today. but
what else is new.

after school i came home and slept for a good 4 hours. i
don't remember much about my nap. i guess my mom came in
at one point in time. i dont like it when people catch me
napping. i don't know why but i feel like sleep should
only be meant for the night and napping is sort of a sign
of weakness. i mean, my life is that boring that i'd
rather sleep then live it. well, yea it is.

my room is finished being painted and whatnot. but my
computer is still out in the living room. i hate it being
out here mostly because i can't escape from my mother. i
have an odd relationship with my other. i feel so
uncomfortable around her. i cringe when she touches me or
shows me affection. when she tries to talk to me i get
very defensive. i don't relate to anyone in my family
except my sister. she's the only one i feel comfortable
talking to and sharing my life with. but she's down at
college and she'll never be home again. i miss her but its
been almost four years now. i should be used to it.

i found a copy of the cathcer in the rye in my room today
that i must have taken from school last year. or not so
much taken just never returned. i started reading it
again. i want to get back in the habit of reading. maybe
it'll help me out.

ugh, i feel terrible right now. not as in sickness just an
insane discomfort. stress i guess. alot of stress and
worry and fear. i want to talk to somebody but there is
nobody. plus i'd feel weird just starting. i don't even
know what i need to talk about i just know something is
wrong. i hate this.

i want to go to a show tomorrow to see mark play. i don't
know who i can bring though. but its a free show and its
something to do. hopefully erin can come with me.

i wonder if there will ever come a day when i don't feel
lonely.