I dont even believe in love.
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2001-04-28 20:11:44 (UTC)

Absolute Confusion

date [3] (verb) dat*ed; dat*ing
: an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially :
a social engagement between two persons that often has a
romantic character

I feel like crap. honestly. i wish i could just run away
from all these feelings, but i can't. I am too old for the
run and hide game. I just cant seem to get things out of
me, even when i want to. Thursday night i stayed up all
night thinking about what i wanted to say to ryan. and he
came here last night - he knew i wasn.t ok. and he asked me
what was wrong - totally giving me the opportunty to let it
all out. I managed to tell him only that i like him &
sometimes i think he doesnt like me back - but mostly i
just cried. He was really sweet about it, but i just didnt
get to tell him what was really upsetting me. I feel like
such a faliure sometimes, because no matter how hard i try
to communicate with him, i just cant get it right. I think
maybe i am so scared of him thinking that i am *one of
those girls that just falls for him*. I dont want to be one
of them. If it was up to me, i wouldnt even like him. I
suck at relationships, and I suck at communication.

I want to tell him that i am really unhappy about whats
going on. And that i know it is my own fault. I never
expected to feel like this about him. And i know i set
myself up for this. and i know it is unfair to him. But ,
this, is not what i want - and it really hurts. I never
expected to be feeing any of this for anyone, especially

After he read what i wrote in my last entry basically he
told me that he is committed to me, but he doesnt take us
serious enough to call it dating. what the hell is dating.
i checked the dictionary. we do it every fucking weekend.
He also mentioned something abotu people not knowing. what
the hell does that have to do with anything. jeez if he
wants ill wear a *i like ryan shirt* i dont fucking care.

First of all, that kinda threw me off because i take all my
relationships seriosuly. whether its friendship or more,
they are all serious to me. I dont know. I dont want to
*jump into things* either. but i feel like shit the way he
disregards whatever it is we have here.
I like him alot. And I dont want to be with anyone else. If
what we are is just friends with benefits, i need to know
that. Because to be honest i dont want to invest myself
into something that probably will never go anywhere.
I dont think it is fair. I just dont understand his logic
sometimes. I mean why do you commit to soemthing that you
arent talking seriously? I dont want to be committed to
nothing, that makes no sense. I might as well try to meet
someone that will take me seriously. I dont want to be
alone forever, you know. If we are just *friends* that is
fine. But i want him to say it. so i can just get over
this . and stop feeing so sad and insignificant.

ok im all done bitching.

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