the expunged refuse of my evil mind
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2002-02-13 04:27:23 (UTC)


aaaaugh, i cant take it anymore. too much stress. morgans
gonna tell me tomarow who she chose. i cant stand this waiting.
i wish she never told me that she made up her mind.
i hate how this makes me feel. so damned anxious. she said
that she came to a decision before "all of this" at first i thought
that meant that she decided to be with matt. but i dont know. it
might have meant that she diddnt want to be with matt. she has
been really nice to me since she found out that i love her, more
then a friend. but that could just mean that she wanted to be nice
to me because she was going to choose matt. god damn. so
many possibilities. i just have a gut feeling that she will pick
matt. i thought i would be ok with it. but now im not so sure. i
wont say anything, but i dont know how ill be able to handle not
having her. ive waited so long. ive waited for 2 fucking years. ive
been miserable as long as i can remember. fuck. fuck. fuck. i
remember when i was in elementary school, after spike, my only
real friend in elementary school left, and i stayed. I had no one to
hang out with at lunch, in which we were in the yard. i would sit in
the corner, put my head inside my jacket, and talk to myself while
i cried. i felt like such a loser. i guess i was. i remember one
time, a girl told my teacher that i did that. she told her in the
middle of when we were gathered in the meeting area. the
teacher asked me if it was true. i said yea. she asked why no
one played with me. i said i dont know. she asked people if they
wanted to play with me during recess, no one voulenteered. she
assigned someone to play with me. i hated that. i diddnt want
any pity from anyone.
i dont know how this relates. i just hate this now. i have 7 hours
till i wake up. 7 hours. 7 looong hours. then another hour and a
half till i see morgan. that will be the longest train ride ever.
godamn. i feel like such an ass. the only people who i ever cared
this much for was alex and shonee. man, i dunno what then hell
im gonna do if she picks matt. i was ok with it if she diddnt know
how i felt for her. i dunno, i had made my peace with it. this
sucks. i have to do something to make myself happy. but right
now, the only people that can do that would be morgan, alex or
shonee. i havent seen alex or shonee in so long, i need
someone else that i dont see every day. i need a change.
everyone who i hang out with normally reminds me of morgan. it
kills me.
i need to stop sacrificing my happiness for others, but i guess
thats just the way i am. maybey im destined to be miserable.

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