Underground Network
2002-02-13 03:01:13 (UTC)

Blue... ^^;

Its Chinese New Year. Year of the Horse. The first part of
the day was fine... had dim sum (man, wish they had
vegetarian shu mais!) with parents and aunt and uncle....
it was Richard's birthday too, but he had school so he
couldn't make it. I got red envelope money, which is

Now I feel like complete shit. I feel so blue. I hate this
feeling. I felt like this last time when I kept thinking
about Jonathan and how he probably didn't like me. Well, I
feel this way again. Emailing him and talking to him a lil
made me think of him more again... made me happy... but
ever since Sunday night, when I last spoke to him, he
hasn't come online when I've been on. And believe me, I've
been on for quite a long time because I don't have
anything else to do really, 'cause nothing else sounds fun
to me. I feel so down and sad and shitty!! Ughhh, I don't
even know if he is single or not... I hope he is... but
even if he is, would he like ME? Would he even be the
least bit interested in me? I was so happy when he
suggested that we meet up and talk... stupid me for
suggesting to talk about it through AIM, and ever since
then, we haven't communicated through email nor have I
been able to talk to him through AIM. Damnit, I feel so
fucking depressed. Plus, whats happening to Arpana (or
should I say, 'Nina') and Mehul sucks. Firstly, if Arpana
didn't lie and pretend to like and love him, he wouldn't
be so miserable right now. Apparently, he loves (or so he
thinks) her alot. He didn't deserve to go through all
that, 'cause it was hardly real. Even if Arpana liked him
a lil, it doesn't count. Its not worth putting him through
all that shit. And, that pic of Nina isn't even her. (ahh,
cell phone ringing, its her, I ain't answering yet, too
icky to right now, I just need to vent! Yeah, I'm

Besides the Nina thing... I feel so lonely. No one cares
about what I'm going through. Maybe it isn't significant
to others but it damn is to me. I've no one to tell this
to, Arpana only talks about herself mostly. Hell, she
hardly asked me about what's going on with me... I get
excited whenever something nice happens to her, but she
doesn't do the same for me. Am I just being selfish? Do I
care about myself too much? I seem to be the one who
listens to everyone's problems all the time but when I
have a problem, no one seems to care. I feel so
miserable.... god.. sometimes vacation sucks. Even if its
just a fucking day, it gives me too much time to think and
be blue. Blah, I should go study... I haven't opened my
textbooks much ever since the semester started again,
gosh, don't do this to yourself again Steph... you must
study and do well...

I am so pathetic, sitting here, waiting for him to log on.
I really want to go do something else, but nothing else
seems interesting right now. Conversations with people are
weak, I give half-ass responses... blah.. I should go read
some ISO stuff and read some political lit. to get my mind
off things. At least I can vent here. I want him to log on
so bad.....ahhh I just want to talk to him, to see him, to
something with him! Anything. I feel so empty and alone
and just horrible.