Realizations of a 24yr old convict
2001-04-27 11:36:38 (UTC)

Mental debate with myself

It seems as if Ive had alot to say today but now at 4 in
the morning and actully having a moment to relax its all
faded away to the realization that none of it even madders
anyway.I think we all get caught up in the moment and wanna
fight or get all wrapped up in some shit when its really
nothing but at the moment its the only thought we can
contemplate.I have a pretty good veiw of all things and the
bigger picture when events like these happen and a good
perspective of where things fit in my prioritys. But the
last two or three days Ive been way off center.

Next thought but still related somehow You know when I
first got out some times I didnt talk much like just enuff
to invite you in so I could watch the people in amazment.
Any way Im sitting with this girl who ID spoken to long
enuff to have her sit close and ingauge in our conversation
asked "you dont speak much"and I replied "I know cause
every time I talk things like (fuck you in the neck) or
(hey peck check this out)or some other prision slang comes
out and you know just who Iam and where I come from.That
not talking thing isn't really me I talk all the time to
almost anyone Im not really scared of people that way and I
love conversation more than anything in this world.
Two things that this short comes from both work
related first tonight Oh yeah Ive started to get pissed of
as of late which hasnt been a problem since I got out but I
really just cant stand incopetance. So this dude where I
work who I was getting at(who got paid today and I was
thinking a couple years ago I would have just smashed him
and got him for his pay check) I was getting at him about
his work efforts and all of a sudden hes like "look dude I
know youll smash I wouldnt even have a chance"And it just
freaked me out like man I wasnt even thinking about it but
I guess I was conveying it in my actions or some shit.
Anyway It tripped me out bad. FYI Im a really passionate
person like Im really into my job Im really into anything I
do or else I just wouldnt waste my time.
Second on this train of thought. Have you ever sat in a
room with some athority figure,boss, teacher,anywhere with
a group of people and everyones thinking the same thing but
no one want to say anything to the authority figure.
Well Im that guy the guy who says what everyones thinking
but no one wants to say.Some people say its cause Ive got
character or strength in my self I think Im just really
good at cutting my own throught.Anyways in school always
asked the question the studer steped the teacher,in prision
always the dude that would just jam the shot caller,in the
recovery house oh fuck I think they just wanted me to stop
talking. Im not Ignorant (I really am everyone is)and Ive
become really good at debating and turning people to see
things my way.
Anyway where I work theirs a manager that I know Im
goona have to get at cause he doesnt do his job at all and
shit is just chauos so this dude needs to step up or get
the fuck on I dont know shit just needs to change where I
work and its a beautiful place that should be making a grip
of cash but it doesnt. Any way Im a fucking parolie hes a
volenteer cop on his time off and I dont really want to
make any enemys where I work.So Im kinda fucked.Its a
situation Im really not used to cause usally I just change
shit step up and change it at all cost. But now I gotta be
some stand by mother fucker and I feel weak and stupid for
letting it go on. But I guess its all politics funny cause
I always liked lifes politics. Mabe Im just mad cause I
cant be a player. Did I mention my pops owns the place so
Ive got the right to be a player Things have been going
good since I got out and parole keeps a tight leash and I
just dont feel I should rock the boat yet but on the other
hand I know its gonna eat me alive. Schools out in three
weaks and the summers here so mabe thats my Que to get in
the mix.