Pandora

Me, J and the Mess I've Created

Monday 11 Feb 2002 8:00 p.m.

Tall mocha
8 oz. pepsi
1 coldbuster (jamba Juice)
1 Cup o Noodles
1 Rice Krispy Treat

All in all, I think I did pretty well today. Especially
considering the bad news I got and the fact that I had dance and
still plan on going running tonight. So the news? Long story. Let's
see if I can keep it short.
Amber and T were here Saturday night and it was J's birthday
and he was acting weird. Last night I find out he was weird because
Amber was teasing him. Why was that a big deal? Because they messed
around last semester. I fought the urge to stab myself in my leg
with my pen and then had to talk myself out of flinging myself
out of my window. I'm pretending it doesn't bother me (pretty well,
I think) and being supportive (as supportive as I can be) despite
the fact that J has now become my living, breathing human Hell
because while I love that he loves and trusts and respects me enough
to confide in me, I CAN'T HAVE HIM. FUCK! This is making me
miserable, but not when he's around because I still think he's
wonderful and even when he's not around I spend half the time
thinking of him while existing in the irritating constant state of
arousal wishing this weren't the case (or wishing I could have him).
I'll wait. I don't care how long it takes. I think he's worth it.
Rob says I should just tell him. But he also says I should have my
nipples showing when I do (R can be so cute sometimes). I'm worried
that the truth won't be well received and then our friendship will
be awkward like his is with Amber. I would do anything to prevent
that. But I don't think I've ever wanted anything so badly in my
life. Everything is such a mess. I have moments where I think I'll
never tell him and moments where I think it'll come flying out of my
mouth. It's getting hard to deal with, too. But I do have giddy
moments that I wouldn't trade for anything; I think I'd rather have
that and occasional misery than awkwardness and no joy. I may just
take things as they come.