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2002-02-11 23:38:40 (UTC)


well, one of the many things that i've been having problems
with is telling scottie exactly how i feel. actually, my
feelings about his whole trip to australia and working
there. i guess part of me has been wanting to cry out and
say, "what about me?! don't i matter in this
situation?!". but, i haven't. what i've done is been the
dutiful and very supportive girl friend. and, it's a role
that i've excepted. the thing is that i do wonder...what
about me.

so, what's happened? i didn't mean for it to happen this
way, but of course, in the usual fashion, it does. he does
something or says something and i react. this is a trip to
tahoe with r. he wants to go and i really don't mind. i'm
jealous, of course. why? because, i want to go, too!
but, i have to work and have court the next day and also,
i've made a lunch date. so, it isn't as if i can just blow
that all off. and, so i say have fun, go ahead. but, i'm
tense. i'm not my usual self and he knows it. i'm quick
to be nasty and grouchy. and, i find it amazing that he's
sooo loving towards me. he asks me what's wrong and what
do i do? i start to bawl! really, really bawl! as i've
never bawled before. ok! ok! so,i'm being a bit over
dramatic. but, what else do we expect. and, i told him
that i was sorry for crying, that the reason is that he
comes home and then leaves. it's something that i should
get used to, but i'm not. and, he's sad and he's sorry and
then he's saying that he's thought more about the fact that
i could come with him. and, than we make love. (much

carl asked me if d and i were involved with each other!
now, what's up with that?! the answer, of course, is no!
but, i do know that d would love nothing more, but to have
a relationship with me that was more, but how could i? i'm
not in love with him! and, it's not fair of me to pretend
that i could possibly be in love with him. so, that's that.

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