psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
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2002-02-11 21:16:57 (UTC)

I'm a mess...

yeah for real. im not so sad today, just like overwhelmed
and bored, like I really want this shit to be over and to
move on already.
I just got home cus I had to drive Dad around. Hes so
pathetic it almost makes me forgot what a motherfucking
asshole he is.
That cute little car Matt says he's guna buy me when he's
rich, yeah that stupid cunt Lauren I hate, her parents
just bought her one. You know. I'm guna have to be
working 2 jobs my senior year while my mother works 3 just
to get by and pay the bills, and her parents buy her this
$30000 car. well. what can i say.
im feeling better but im still really sore. matt rubbed my
back all lunch so that was good. i still have so much work
to do for school and everything. but i know i'll get it
done. i only have 3 more months. i just am getting real
antsy to get out of this house.
oops i left there this afternoon cus caroline got here.
work kinda sucked. i didnt make many calls.
man adams turned into such an asshole. i think people are so much
BETTER when they're ugly. they turn into such fuckers when they lose
weight or somehow get hot. he loses 40 pounds and now he thinks he
can treat everyone like shit just cus he's getting ass from all
directions oh man he makes me mad. and a year ago we were so close
right now. craziness, i am OVER these people over over over!!! i am
so over everyone. everyone is such a fucking disappointment. even
the people you think you're the closest to.
im feeling real close to richard again lately. i love him so much.
the funny thing is. if he wasnt such a fucking great guy and so nice
to me, i think i would be madly in love with him. but hes too good
its too simple too easy you know? hes such a great guy and what do i
want??? what do i want?? i want the fucking mind-game
assholes. WHY!! cus matts the best fuck? no. i really fucking dont
know what it is. if he asked me to, i would die for him, all joking
aside. i would say yes take my life if thats what you want, anything
for you matt. and not just cus i dont really value my life so much
right now... god i dont know. like today i was talking to claudia
about how so much shit isnt important to me anymore, and he walked up
and started rubbing my back and i hugged him and i was like THIS is
important to me and shes like god only knows why.. yeah. well. i
dont know. anyway i have a wonderful girlfriend who's a million
times better than all that drama shit so back to richard. we're just
talking a lot again....
i think richard would be a fantastic room mate cus he never gets mad
about anything ever... okay, he is the only person in the entire
world that i feel absolutely sure would do anythign to avoid hurting
me. the only person. last night was cute, he was like why are you
jealous of dc? she has nothing on you and no one will ever change
how i feel about you.
that was nice cus i really am jealous of her...


im really having an attack now cus claudia got me going on the matt
thing... and i just feel like im not being fair to anyone else..
because i have all this that its like im saving for him or something
like i really believe we'll be together again but then i think well i
realy thought we'd be back together by now and we're not and i dont
even know why i would want that but im really freaking out that was
the only ONLY FUCKING TIME since i've FUCKING LIVED IN THIS FUCKING
TOWN that i was HAPPY for a PERIOD OF TIME not just like once in a
while for an hour, but for a year. A YEAR. i cant even imagine
being that happy again ever and it seems so unfair to anyone else
i'll be with because they get frustrated that they cant make me happy
and i dont know why they cant but no one can NO ONE has been able to.
not before and not after and i dont understand how one person can
hold so much power over me when i dont even want them to but im
having a real serious problem right now. im going insane. I HATE
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME AND MY LIFE. I HATE THAT FUCKING SCHOOL AND THE
FUCKING PEOPLE THERE THEY ARE ALL EITHER FAKE OR RICH OR HAPPY OR
BLACK AND I HATE IT. I HATE THIS FUCKING TOWN AND I HATE EVERYTHING
ABOUT ME I HATE THAT I WAS BORN TO THESE FUCKING POOR, DYING NUTCASES
WHEN OTHER PEOPLE GOT THE RICH LAID BACK SONS OF BITCHS WHO ACTUALLY
KNOW THEIR DAUGHTERS FUCKING BOYFRIENDS AND CAN DEAL WITH THAT AND
EVEN EVERYONE I KNOW WHO KNOW THEIR FUCKING DAUGHTERS GIRLFRIENDS I
HATE THAT MY PARENTS KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME AND STILL HATE ME AND
WOULD HATE ME A MILLION TIMES MORE IF THEY KNEW AND I HATE THAT I
HAVE HAD SEX WITH 7 PEOPLE AND FUCKED AROUND WITH LIKE 25 AND I HATE
THAT I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY AND HIS HEALTH AND HER PROBLEMS AND
HER DEPRESSION AND HIM HITTING HER AND HIM NOW BEATING THE SHIT OUT
OF ME AND HIDING EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT ME AND MY LIFE AND I HATE
THAT IM A CRAZY BITCH AND I HATE THAT I DONT MAKE SENSE AND I HATE
THAT I FEEL LIKE THIS AND I HATE THAT IM A 48 AND HALF THE CLASS IS
UNDER 10 AND I HATE THAT I HAVE TO WAKE UP TOMORROW TO THIS SAME SHIT
AND I HATE MY JOB AND I HATE THE FUTURE I SEE FOR MYSELF AND I HATE
BEING FUCKING SICK ALL THE TIME FOREVER AND I HATE FUCKING LIVING.


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