fueledangel

fading...
2002-02-11 19:47:28 (UTC)

contemplations

you know those songs that just play over and over again in
your head? the ones that sort of drift over you like warm
summer air.. that make you hear the laughter of memories
echoing in your mind. the songs that can either make you
cry or be elated depending on the memory. I know a song
that is like that for me is the Freshmen. i used to sit on
Kate's floor and listen to this song over and over and
over again. It was speaking to me of lost volumes from a
previous life.. it was familiar the first time I heard
it.. I have a lot of memories associated with this one
song though. Most recently, I had my michael in my
basement with me.. so the song now sheds a sort of
condtent over me wheras once it used to burn and wrench in
side of me.. Reminding me of the pain of being taunted and
tortured as a child. I've gone through too much for a 16
year old.. at least that's what I think sometimes. I've
dealt with heartache and loss so many times I can't even
recount all of the major times of pain. Days when my
melancholy wasn't produced by my deprivation of sleep...
but due to my total and complete sense of insecurity. I
had been told so many times I was not good enough to be in
the presence of the children at school... that I was ugly,
fat... buck toothed, illiterate, brain dead... children
can be so cruel. They never think about what they're
saying... and as children we're developing.. so as
children we are being shaped by our peers into the adult
we most inevitably become. i don't know what happened...
but somewhere along the line I stomped out the people that
pissed me off and started standing up for myself. The
whole time.. I can still relate to the song... the song
which has played over so many times in my head. the song
that reminds me of all the times I used to gaze out my
window at nite and hope that when I woke up in the morning
I'd be skinny, and beautiful, slight and creative, keen,
insightful, smart... things i knew i could never be unless
god decided to use a miracle on me. But I knew it would
never happen.. because in my mind I wasn't even good
enough for God's time. Whatever I've gone through, it's a
lot for a 16 year old.. I have more security... I have
self worth and I wont' let people stomp on me anymore.
sometimes I get caught off guard and people smash my heart
to bits, but for nnow... I'm so happy. I know who I am,
what I want and where I'm going in life. cheers to all the
people who ever taunted me... you've made me humble,
greatful for all I have and ambitious as all hell. I have
the drive to prove to all you assholes that I can actually
do things. That I actually deserve the attention of people
who are better than yourselves, and that i am of more
worth than you all could ever be. i am talking to no one
in particular of course but the point is I learned
something.. so what if that makes me a few years older
than my peers maturity wise.. so it's hard to fit in with
some crowds, but if I weren't somewhat mature I don't
think i would be so compatable with my michael..
everything happens for a reason. being naturally happy and
somewhat confident in certain aspects of myself was a good
thing.. then he came along and the quality of life
improved so much. I miss him when i'm not with him.. and I
appreciate how he makes me feel like all the people who
ever taunted me were wrong. Everyone who has ever taunted
him is wrong for doing so. he's not ugly, he's not an
asshole, and he's sort of a smart ass but not in a 'in
your face' kind of way. i love the way he treats people,
and me... and my family and every has recepted to him very
well. I'm so thankful for having found him.. even though
there was chaos in the beginning I think it's going to be
a smooth ride... and hopefully a very long one..

-love,
haley




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