fucked up
2002-02-11 17:04:19 (UTC)


its been a while. i don't really know what all to say. i
think that i should get back into the swing of this
thing. ok im trying to figure out where i left off last
time.ok well....hilary tried to od on ambient. Matt
called her mom to figure out what to do because she was
taking them like two every hour. she didn't just take the
whole bottle or anything. so she was taking pills and
matt called her mom. She said to flush the rest of
hillarys ambient and call her back. so he did. she said
that she would come over to get hillary but matt said that
he would take her over there. He was under the impression
that her mom was calling ems at that moment. On our way
over there she told us that she wanted her ring on
whenever she died. Matt asked her what she wanted to wear
for her funeral. i was shocked. then he explained that
he was just trying to keep her awake. we got there and
her mom was up. she came out and talked a little bit.
then went back inside. hillary, matt, and i were all
outside smoking. After her mom went inside she smirked
and said "what did you think that would acomplish??" and
she was right. there was no point in talking to her mom.
shes stupid. Hilary took more at her house. she had hid
them. Her mom said "well thank you for bringing her over
but i think that hillary needs to go to bed now" (not
exactly) i couldn't believe it. while she was saying
this, hillary was next to her taking her another pill.
She was overdosing on a sleeping pill and her mom wanted
her to go to bed. honestly thats what she wanted to. all
she wanted to do was die. i understand that. Next time
she tries, im just going to let her. thats what i would
have wanted. but then again when i try suicide i don't
exactly tell people untill its way to late. unless your
rose and know that im pushing you away for that reason. I
was thinking about suicide last night. I figured out the
best way to do it. i need to get my own place. i cant
stand it here anymore. i have to get a job. actually i
have to get a job, tea form, and birthcertificate copy.
its all frustrating. i havn't talked to eric for a while.
i feel bad. i told him tbat i would write him a letter
explaining how i feel. i never did. i just havn't been
up to doing anything that takes alot of thought. i havn't
even sown up his bear. I bought him a red bear that
says "im yours today, tomarow, forever" i feel like shit
becuase it was a promise to him and i didn't go through
with it. It would have been so cool if it had worked
out. but it didn't. im with matt and its really nice.
actually rite now i just realized that i don't want to be
with anyone. not even me. so where the fuck are there
bees at anywayz?hmm. ok. done editing. hehehe. i have
shit to do. later