Fishnet Goddess

Rainbows, Ice-a-ma-cream, and Lemonade
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2002-02-10 22:23:49 (UTC)

Thinking about Laura again...

We were able to re-enter the house again yesterday
(Saturday). Even though it was supposed to be safe to be in
here, our eyes were burning and watering all day. Ryan's
theory is that we touched something with pesticide on it
and proceeded to rub our eyes like idiots. My theory is
that there was just a lot of leftover fumes in the air.
Either way, it really sucked.
I played an hour set last night at the bookstore (Mot
had the first hour). Tiffany had called me earlier in the
day because she's home for the weekend and wanted to come
see me, but she couldn't make it to the bookstore in time
due to a family dinner. She did come over after I got home
though, and we hung out with Ryan, Daniel, and Laura. We
watched part of Trainspotting, Quills, and Seven. Tiff went
home before Seven because it was about midnight, but it was
really nice seeing her. Daniel and Ryan both passed out
because they were dead tired, and left me and Laura to
watch the movie.
Seven is a really good movie, I hadn't seen it before.
But I wasn't thinking about the movie really while I was
watching it. I was thinking about the way I was laying in
Laura's lap while we watched. Every movement she made made
me want to turn my head around and just look at her instead
of the movie. Her eyes looked so blue last night that I
couldn't pry myself away from them. I hadn't been thinking
about her as much as I was a couple of weeks ago, but last
night I couldn't stop. Every time I saw her hands or felt
her sweater or looked in her eyes I was completely
overwhelmed with a wanting that I cannot control. I want to
kiss her. I want to tell her I think she's the most
beautiful girl in the world. I want to touch her hair and
lay in her lap for hours. I can't tell her anything because
it would be pointless to do so. She has Daniel, I'm married
to Ryan, and it would just help our friendship to
deteriorate if I said anything. But that's really hard for
me to deal with. I'm the kind of person that needs to say
something when I have feelings for someone. I can't just
let it go. I guess I need closure. But the only way for me
to handle this situation is to stay silent and hope that my
feelings eventually just fade away. I hate that it has to
be this way. I wish I could be with both of them, even if
it's wrong. I never understood people that had multiple
boyfriends or girlfriends, but I'm starting to understand
where they're coming from. It's always going to end up a
messy situation, but what else can you do when you've been
with a guy forever, and you want to keep him with all your
heart, but at the same time you want to be with a girl that
you may be slowly falling in love with? How do you handle
that situation?