the wanderer

doo-hickey nonsense
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2002-02-10 10:28:06 (UTC)

Who's list should I be on next?

Thinking of this topic, I recall a phrase that a former
"lover" threw out there when we both were exposing
ourselves, and/or getting things off of our chest, before we
or at least myself could get attached. She was summing up
the past couple of years, stating the circumstances around
her physical engagements, when she ended with, "I thought
that you'd maybe think of me as damaged goods." It's funny,
because in a sense, she and most girls I know, pretty much
are, but I wouldn't ever sink to that level, verbally. Now,
when she asked that, though it didn't impair my thoughts or
feelings at the time, her motive was to have me accept it as
a warning of sorts...impeccable timing. I look at things
from a different yet very similar angle. The way I've looked
at it for a while now is, simply, where my place would be on
"the list". By this I mean, where would any experience that
I'd end up sharing measure up on "the list", of the more
often than not, long list, of male friends and not as rare
as you would think, female friends, and any intimate
endeavor that took place. This by no means has anything to
do with jealousy or envy, it's just that I don't want to
open myself up and expose things that only a handful of
people on this earth know, triggering an incomparable
release that would have me on cloud nine, as well as deeply
attached to this new love interest, only to be thrown aside
when I've become despensible (for many, many immature
reasons).

What I've mentioned in the previous neverending paragraph
pretty much sums up why I'm not cuddled up with a female
every chance we get, and have not been for almost a whole
year. Does this fact make me feel sad, angry, frustrated,
anything of that nature? No. Do I want pity? No. Do I need
compassion from someone that I can relate to, and who can
provide support in ways that no family member or friend can?
Who doesn't?

Hopefully I don't jump the gun once again...


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