i_bleed_life

The mediocrity that is me
2002-02-10 08:58:20 (UTC)

Once upon a time...

...I could have lived happily ever after.
Eh, maybe there's still a chance for me. Who knows.

You know what I was thinking today? I was driving along,
listening to my music, and I was just wondering if i would
be happier if I was a little kid again...just a little five-
year-old girl who didn't worry about things like homework
or getting into 'fill-in-the-blank' college. A little kid
who had never even heard of things like alcohol, and
thought boys were yucky. Back to the time when parents knew
everything, and your mommy could do anything. Looks like a
perfect world at first glance. No worries, no
responsibilities. Just cartoons and pigtails. Sounds pretty
tempting to me...

But then I rememered what it was really like to be five.
Not the whole fantasy part, but everything else. Like not
being able to do anything at all. Wanting to get ice cream,
and being told 'no' nearly every day. Having to beg and
plead just to go somewhere. That kind of stuff. Not being
able to live my own life. I mean, I remember that
brainless, not-having-to-think crap being wonderful when I
was two, three, four...But then I started growing up. So
actually, I think I would rather be the age I am instead of
five. I don't want to be a little kid again. With
responsibility comes freedom, and for me, once I've tasted
freedom, I don't think i could ever go back.

Then again, maybe I just didn't have a very happy
childhood. I mean, I've got scars up and down my arms to
remind me of my sister beating the crap out of me. My
younger sister. I am such a wimp. And the oh-so-wonderful
memories of my mother physically restraining me. And the
being suicidal at age eight. Wondeful. Fabulous. Eh, it
wasn't really all that bad. You just don't know, really.
And i don't think i could ever explain it. Well, now that
i've depressed the hell out of myself, i suppose I'll sign
off. Adios.

Song of the Day: "I want to Conquer the World" by the ever-
wonderful Bad Religion
"And I want to conquer the world,
Give all the idiots a brand new religion,
Put an end to poverty, uncleanliness and toil,
Promote equality in all my decisions
With a quick wink of the eye
And a 'God you must be joking!' "

Jesus, I'm such a fucking pessimist sometimes.