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2002-02-10 07:57:07 (UTC)

I would take it back if I could

My last diary entry was a lie. It was a lie to make it
easier for me to leave her. I never did leave her. She is
lying in my bed right now and if there weren't things I
should be doing then I would be right next to her. I love
her. I don't mean like the love you have for a highschool
crush that never leaves you. I mean the kind of love only
few experience and the rest have to read about. I want her
in ways that I have never even imagined wanting someone. I
hurt her yesterday. I am kicking myself in the ass for it
now because I hurt her once before that I know of, the time
I told her it was over, and now when I look at her, I think
of then. I think of the time when she went down stairs and
yelled at her mom for all of this, I think of the things
that must have been going through her head and I am glad
this time was not as bad. I still want to let go of her.
Only because there is this feeling, I don't know if it is
from my head or my heart, but it is telling me and nagging
at me to let her go. Let her find someone that could make
her happy in ways that I can't. Someone who wont hurt her
or break promises to her. I want her to be happy and I
would do anything, and I do mean anything, just to make her
happy. Her love is insane. I mean it makes me feel things I
would never feel with anyone else. Cassie hit Justene
tonight and I actually wanted to walk over and hit Cassie
as hard as I could. I didn't because I knew I would get my
ass kicked and I knew it was 'nothing'. Jessie has been
hurt before, and I swear to God on everything I have ever
loved in my life before, that I will not let it happen. If
she found someone who she loved but who hurt her and didn't
love her, I would not hesitate to go and rip the fucking
bastards head off. I love her. I would do anything she said
and I wouldn't even hesitate to do it. I think sometimes I
am crazy for thinking that, but then I look at her, look
into her eyes, and I realize that the feeling inside, the
one that makes me feel so good, it's her....everything is

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