out of reach
2002-02-10 03:45:25 (UTC)

i am a rock, i am an island

it was my 18th birthday on thursday. a good day i'd say.
my friends pulled through and got me some good cds i needed
for my collection. my sisters pulled through on funding my
industrial bar piercing. 90 bucks. shit that's alot of
money. i'm a big fan of it and it's something i've wanted
for a while. i felt an odd attraction towards the guy who
did it for me. we wasn't attractive in the normal way at
all. there was just something about him. i think his
confidence and friendliness and maybe the fact that even
though he inflicted pain on people as a carreer he seemed
very gentle. i wish he was my friend.

i went shopping today with darrick for clothes for him and
a valentine's gift for sara. i wish i had someone to give
me gifts, or just love really. i had a lot of fun picking
out clothes for him and making him try stuff on. then i
had to go to work and the rest of my day just sucked.

i had a bit of a mental breakdown last night. i was
working on the yearbook at school till 1:30 in the
morning. at one point in the night we realized we had to
move some pages around. a simple task really, but no one
understood how to make it simple except for me. and
donovan was too stubborn to let me at the computer to fix
everything so there was alot of yelling and doubt in me.
her and michelle looked at me as if i had 2 heads and i
never felt more uncomfortable in my entire life. i don't
know what it was but it was like they just didn't
understand me or appreciate me and i was being blamed for
everything that went wrong. i did nothing but i felt so
much guilt. i broke. i couldn't take it anymore. no one
understood me and so i ran away from them. i cried to
myself, they didn't know why. they thought it was one
thing but they didn't know. no one knows. "i've built
walls, a fortress deep and mighty that none may
penetrate." i got over it in time and got back to work. i
left eventually though. before anyone else did. i don't
feel mentally stable...but i'm ok.

"and a rock a rock feels no pain and an island never cries."