silent thoughts........
2002-02-09 23:43:45 (UTC)

so cumfused

well im back here again to spill my guts on things which
are driving me mental in my head and sumtimes i dont know
whether its me being stupid and over reacting or are these
things really happening under my nose and am i that stupid
that i dont want to see it,becuse im trying desperatly to
keep it together and save what we have left.I feel as
though nothing in my life is going how it should be and has
been like this for sum time now.I have no faith left in
myself let alone my partner and feel that i have to
question him all the time not that i actually do.Maybe
thats what is driving me nuts ,not asking,but then again
its not like he would tell me anyway.His life is always
secretive and i have had a few ppl say that hes cheating on
me,so what do i do??I have heard things to make me think
the same as others,just little things,but is it my mind
playing tricks with me..Ihear him talking to ppl and i
think that its a female,just by the tone in his voice and
his mannerism,i remember how we used to talk to each other..
I have good and bad days like everyone but it seems that
the bad out ways the good at the moment and its bringing me
down slowly everyday.Im tired of everyone thinking that i
can take on anything in life and get over it but thats not
the case no more.Im the type of person who keeps everything
to herself and bottles things up inside and tries to handle
everything as best i can on my own,what a mistake that was.
Now its too late ,ive pushed away my friends as well as
pushing away the people that i love, i have no one now
besides my kids and they are too young to understand.I say
to my self every day that its not going to be like the day
before and i try to have a positive outlook on things but i
just cant do it anymore,i have no faith or positive looks
on life.Is this being selfish or just plain stupid?
Theres so much that has happenend for me to feel this way
and i know that im meant to overcome it all,but its easier
said than done.My partner thinks hes toughend me up for
just about anything,but really hes the one too thats
pulling me down too,his life style and his ways,at times i
think im just a pitstop for him to recooperate after his
days out .I have heard him say to many times now that he
feels sorry and feels responsible for the predicament he
has got us in and wants to make sure that he fixes it,i
rekon he wants out and feels guilty until he can get us out
of it and set up again ,then i reakon he will leave us,its
the guilt keeping him here now.I have told him that if
thats the case i would prefer him to leave now and not make
it any harder for me .I feel that i can make the break now
rather than later,and want to get on with my life.Im tired
of being treated like a piece of shit and get nothing in
return for i give out .