I dont even believe in love.
oh man, i don't even know where to begin here. today was
complete chaos.to be perfectly honest, i am so worn out i
shoud not even be writing this right now. that is, if a had
any sense (which i obviously dont). So many things happened
today that my head is practically spinning.
this morning i got to work early (amazing), and i was alone
with my dad for the first two hours. He looks terrible. he
is losing weight, he isnt eating, and he has cancelled his
last two dr. appointments. he is being so difficult &
grumpy too. This morning he was having one of *those days*
where he just couldnt do much. He dropped a bunch of papers
and i heard him cursing and yelling. so i ran into his
office to help him pick them up and he started screaming at
me, "leave me alone , just go away, i dont need your
help". When he gets like that i try not to get upset, even
though it always makes me want to cry. Well, i should have
known that was a sign of things to come.
By 12:00 my dads temper had managed to inspire two of our
employees to quit. That was nice, considering i do all of
the damn paperwork and interviewing, hiring, and teaching
of new employees. (not to manage the payroll and taxes). So
i have a lot of tough days ahead of me. This isnt how i
wanted to spend my summer. But this is just the beginning,
After everyone quit i was sitting in my office taking a
mental health break when this kid dave that harrasses me on
the regular just started his usual ao-shit talking. I
already was so sick of him lying about me and calling me
names and threatening me. Since i was already all freaking
out about everything else, today he really got to me. i
wanted to kill him. my friend basically told him if he
talks to me or about me again about anything that he was
gonna break his nose or something.I say *whatever* i just
want his to stop being such a dirtbag and leave me alone.
Well, anyway right after all of the ao-drama subsided, ryan
signed on. as usual, talking to him was the highlight of my
day. i showed him this website i made today, which i think
is hilarious, because i have no idea what im doing, and
tonight he basically redid it and made it sooo much better.
I thought that was so cool.i really wish we didnt live so
far apart i would been so happy to see him today.
ok enough mush. lets back to my misery. i left work around 6:30
and went shopping. i got some food and these really pretty dishes
with dragon flies all over them. i was all cheered up
(almost) when i got home. and about 15 seconds later one of
my friends is knockin on the door. under normal
circumstances i wouldnt mind the suprise visit, but this
particular friend has been hitting on me alot lately-
asking me to go out with him & stuff - and its been making
me squirm. basically i did the most babyish thing ever. i
pretended i had to go out to pick up an imaginary friend
(who i invented on the spot) and i drove around the block
for a few minutes till he was gone. then i went back inside
and signed on aol, yes yes yes... so i could talk to ryan.
and of course, about 15 minutes later, the same friend i
just tricked out of hanging out with me sends me an IM. he
says *i need to talk to you. now. in person. please.* Well
in case you havent noticed i am a sucker, so i told him to
hurry up & come over. About 2 hours later he shows up
thats on-time for a rock star) and we had our
*talk*. now mind you i was sooo nervous. just having him in
my house made me squirm - but i was damn happy that he
brought me pizza and that occupied me for a little while.
bascally he wanted to know why i had been *avoiding him* he
went into how much he *likes me* and all the other *i wanna
get in your pants blah blah blah* boy compliment bullshit.
I really got upset, maybe because of the whole day, but i
got there. I was a lil choked up,but i managed to explain
that when he says that stuff it makes me super
uncomfortable. and that not only do i not feel like that
with him, but also i really like someone else. At first he
seemed pretty upset, but then he broke out with a funny
comment like *so you werent kidding when you said you would
never hook up with a guy in a band*. i replied, *nahh i
only do it with rappers*. he thought that was pretty funny,
and it definately lightened the mood.then i brought up that
maybe id hook him up with one of my friends - and he seemed
into the idea. ill have to work on that.finally - i told
him i was tired and that i had to go to bed. the hug
goodbye was akward. even though i know everything is ok
now, i just felt wierd being near him now. hopefully that
will wear away. I dont have too many good friends, and
regardless of the recent bullshit, i dont wanna loose him.
Needless to say I am exhausted. And im off to bed. im gonna dream
about the day i can afford a maid because im terrified of cleaning
this place tomorrow. I really hope tomorrow is a little less exciting.
is it friday yet?