daydream disbeliever

Mad Ramblings From a Blithering Idiot
2002-02-08 20:02:41 (UTC)

Daisies of the Galaxy

Note to self: this entry was typed last night because this
site was messing up. Currently, my feelings remain the
same as was twelve hours ago, much to my relief. I give to
thee, myself, this morning, circa 4 o'clock...


Here I am at four o'clock in the morning, wide awake.
However, unlike previous moonlit revels in despair, sorrow,
and self-pity, I am wonderfully devoid of any feeling for
any member of the opposite sex. I woke up this morning and
spent it lazily-reading. I was hungrily rehashing an old
favorite, L.M. Montgomery's "Emily's Quest". As I was
reading about Emily and her love for Teddy which she
thought was unreturned I thought of Brian suddenly. But
without the usual pang of loneliness, sorrow, and
rejectedness. Instead, I felt kind of empty, as if I
didn't care much at all, with a small twinge of pity-fancy
that, pity!- for him.

It is a very odd feeling. Happiness it cannot be called.
I think it's more of a satisfied relief. God has, for the
time being, sent me some sort of spiritual Rolaid in that
regard. The same emotion can be said of my feelings for
J. As I've mentioned in a past entry, the mad crush is
gone, but some lingering questioning feelings remained.
They, too, I believe, have vanished.

It's so beautiful to be free again. Free from all ties of
attraction to men that are no good for me. I am beholden
to no one in my stupid heart. However, I am deathly afraid
that this may be only fleeting. I think that I am rather
fickle and a bit shallow when it comes to these things. I
never know what I feel, and my moods and tastes can change
from moment to moment. I hate it but it does make my dull
life somewhat interesting. I just wish I could know myself
and my own mind. I'm a stranger. And I sincerely dislike
her.

Sometimes I think my mother named me a bit too aptly.
Unbeknownst to her when she picked my moniker, my first
name means "dark" and my middle name means "light". It's
as if there's a complete light and a complete dark side to
me. Of course, there is a grey area, but not many people
see that. Most just see the false front I present because
I'm too shy and afraid to show my real self. But then
again, how can I? I don't even know who I am. Or what I
am. It's infuriating not to know.

Argh, I just went from relief to frustration in a matter of
minutes. I'm just too temperamental and moody for my own
good. I'm exhausted. I just returned from L's house a
while ago. We watched movies and talked. Well, she
talked. There were supposed to be several people coming,
but it ended up being just the two of us. We watched "High
Fidelity" and "Life of Brian". Then she talked for an hour
and a half about her cousin's death in November. I just
listened to her reminisce. She had to get it all out, so I
just stayed quiet and sympathetic while she rambled. We
made fun of stupid cartoons after that. I was almost
grateful for the change of subject. But then she started
in on her exes. She's talked that one to death. I want to
smack her every time she brings up one of them. They've
been on again off again for a year, and he keeps playing
head games with her and breaking her heart. And she lets
him know, too. Steph, D, and I talked about it the other
night. L's feelings are a complete mystery to us. We
don't understand why she does the things she does. Low
self-esteem is what we figure, but she really doesn't have
any reason to be that way. She's overweight, but she's a
pretty girl and she's definitely not dumb, albeit a little
immature. But she's one of my closest friends and I love
her anyway.

It's after four thirty and I must go to sleep. I have to
be up in four hours to go with Mum to take the dogs to the
vet. Dinah needs shots and Pete will officially be our
little eunuch. I'm going to call him the Nutless Wonder.
M thinks that would make a great name for an all girl
band. I laugh and agree. Until next time I remain fickly
yours and (thank God) the nutless wonder known as

K.


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