2002-02-08 19:52:13 (UTC)


So I was just talking to Lindsay on line and somehow we
came into the subject of Krystal. Krystal called me the
other night and gave me shit for not ever calling her. Then
last night she called me but I didn't get to talk to her
long. I was talking to Lindsay about that and was telling
her how much I dont really like talking to Krystal anymore.
That is when it hit me. Krystal is not my best friend
anymore. When I left that town I left most of my feelings
for everyone there. I have new feelings now, for different
people. I can't just end my friendship with Krystal like
that. It has been a year and a half and I had some pretty
damn good moments with her. I just dont' like talking to
her every night anymore, I don't like talking to her about
the same boring things every single time. I don't know. I
feel heartless and like a complet bitch about it, but at
the same time I am tired of trying to act how someone wants
me to act and I am tired of pretending. The same thing with
Justene. I am tired of pretending. I almost kissed her last
night in front of my grams. It was an accident and luckly I
stopped myself. But I am tired of hiding. I mean I love
her. Every inch of me has a burning love for her. I want to
be able to cuddle with her all of the time and lay naked
with her without having to listen if someone is on the main
floor and all of a sudden make a mad dash for our clothes.
I want everyone to know but I can't afford to lose my house
right now. I would have no where to live and right now I am
pretty desperate for money and a place to live. When I am
with Justene I don't have to think about anything else
other then how special she is and how lucky that I found
someone to love me as much as I love them. When I am with
her though my thoughts keep wandering. I go to the doctors
today and I have to make an appt with a gyno because every
time Justene goes inside of me I bleed. It scares me
because I dont want them to tell me something is wrong.
Jess just called. Now I have a big stupid grin on my face.
I love her so much. My body is shaking now. Partly out of
fear of the doctor and because I can't wait to see her
afterschool.I love you Justene

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