There's life down below me though.
2002-02-07 23:37:45 (UTC)

Better Days-Feb7

Today was one of those 'better days'... when life decided to
let up a little bit. Momentarily harsh, but I got through it
all the same and hoping for enough strength to do it all
again tomorrow. I'm starting to read a book I enjoy, and
that I think may help me get focused and may relieve me from
the strains of the classics.

I don't really know how to answer questions about Jonathan
now. It's pretty amazing how crazy I was about him, how
quickly that glorious and glamorous whirlwind just blew away
upon the first fight. How horrible. Times like these I
understand why married people are so unhappy, and it's even
worse because they're stuck. Maybe we are meant to walk

Maybe we do better on our own, at least keeping that freedom
in our own minds without being invaded by romantic delusions
that being with another person brings. But at the same time,
just that one song I've kept hidden in the masses can bring
up that empty and hollowing feeling... a feeling I'm not so
anxious to relive with yet another. I'm not ready to let my
heart break... I'm not ready to be so alone again.

I find myself praying almost every day. For the regular
stuff, strength and blessings for the people around me. I
want to be good to him, even at the risk of his rejection.
Last night that's what I felt. Rejection, dejection,
emotional detachment. Anymore, it doesn't take much more
than once to remind me of what the terms are. Who wants to
be rejected and pushed away? I certainly don't. I don't want
to fight with him anymore, but I don't want to let my heart
bleed over this any more than it needs to. So... thus my
idea to be a little more selfish. And I try...