Bitch & Moan
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2001-04-25 19:41:47 (UTC)

Feeling MUCHO Better

Last night was a good night ~ despite the fact that I had
to go home to S and J. I brought Ms. P to her counselor.
The counselor thinks that she should be evaluated by a
Physcologist...they may want to put her on meds....can I
have some with her?? It was funny, but not very, the
counselor asked if there was a history of mental illness in
the family...I said "Shit, where do I start??" She asked if
Ms. P ever gets angry and I told her the only time I really
see her pissed is when J is around. He is an annoying
little shit that gets on my nerves...I can just imagine how
he gets on hers!
Anyway, I got home and talked to my Mother on the phone...I
told her it was too bad that she didn't want to move in
with me because I am seriously wanting to move out of my
situation, but truly cannot afford it. I cannot afford the
housing costs, nor a babysitter for afterschool. Anyway,
my Mom said "You know, I was laying in bed last night and
thinking how great that would be!" She said she would even
move up here. She says "I really can't stand S. I know
that he is your friend and all, but I can't stand him...and
that kid of his! ARGH. " I told her that Mr. B and I are
talking again and that I am waiting to hear word about
when/if he is coming up here...she says "You know, I know
that the two of you had your differences, but I really
loved that guy." Yeah. I know. Day late, dollar short.
BUT, now I have a much brighter outlook on how the days are
going to pass around here. I am telling myself that even
if Mr. B decides not to come here or is lying his ass of in
between girlfriends, it doesn't matter...I am going to go
live with my Mom, enjoy my girls and be happy. I am already
happy just thinking about it. Having it settled and now it
is a goal.
I am going to enjoy my summer. The peace and quiet. The
special time with Ms. A. I am so looking forward to it. I
am going to save my ass off, so that when the fall comes, I
can get out and just be alone. I figure that if Mr. B
really wanted me, he would be putting a whole lot more
effort into it...and I wouldnt' be so sad about it...but he
is not and I am and I don't want to be sad anymore.
I have been looking at this thing from the wrong angle...I
need to stop thinking that I am not whole without my
husband. I am whole and I am a GREAT Mom and I do love my
children more than life itself and I do feel that moving
out would be the best thing for ALL of US as a family! My
girls come first. I believe it will be a good thing for
them to be around my Mom and see what Grandma is all
about. And if Mr. B. never comes back, he never comes back
and ONE day, I am sure that I will heal. I am sure that
the pain that I feel HAS to go away. When my BUMPA died,
it took me YEARS and YEARS to get over him and to not cry
at the mere mention of his name ~ and now, yes, I still
miss him and wish he were still alive, but I look back on
our time together and THANK GOD I EVEN HAD THAT TIME!! So,
that is the approach I am going to take...I am going to do
whatever I can to not think about Mr.B., and seriously try
to get on with my life without him.
That said....I am sure that I will have slip ups and call
him and act like an ass ~ crying and all of that stuff, but
I can pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with it.
For the first time in a long time, I actually feel like I
have options!