dreamer

my wonderland
2002-02-07 22:04:21 (UTC)

topsy-turvy

I hate life. I hate it! Just when you think its starting to
shape up, and everything is beginning to make sense, it
falls apart. It falls apart and leaves you lying there,
helpless, not knowing what to do. Why doesn't someone have
the answers? Why can't I see what I should do to fix
things? I don't know what to do. I just don't know. We're
drifting, that's a fact, but what can I do to change it? I
don't think she tries any more to fix this friendship than
I do. I really don't. I love her, she's my sister, and I
would never, ever, want to do anything to ruin our
friendship. I just don't know what to do though. I never
see her anymore, and shes right, when I do we have nothing
to talk about. Ten minutes a day is not enough time to
catch up on over 23 hours of happenings. I wish I saw her
more. We have no classes together, so I never get to see
her during the day, and I rarely see her on weekends. Is it
entirely my fault though? I know I'm really busy, I know I
have a boyfriend, and I know I spend a lot of time
with "the goalkeeper", but these things don't take up my
entire life. I would certainly make time to see her if I
thought she had time, wanted to, or could see me. I don't
want to turn this into another fight, but I'm afraid I'm
going to. Again, I just don't know what to do. She means
more to me than I think she'll ever know, and despite what
she thinks, I do care about her. I care about her a lot.
Our friendship means so much to me, and I don't want to
lose it over something like this. I know we can find time
if we try. Time is a luxury that I will just have to work
harder for. No matter how much we're drifting now, we can
fix it, right? we can fix it. I can't afford to lose her. I
know I'm probably being a drama queen about this, but you
can never tell with ash how serious or upset she is about
certain things. One of the other things (well two) she's
mentioned, and I have to bring up, are my boyfriend and
also one of my best friends "the goal keeper". I know she
doesn't really like David, I sensed that from the
beginning. I didn't really think anything of it though. She
didn't like Ronald, they couldn't even be in the same room
together, and she didn't like Satan very much, so why would
I expect her to like this one? I don't think she'll ever
really approve of anyone I date, but I guess some best
friends have to do that. Who would point out all their bad
qualities if she didn't? No one. Troy ("the goalkeeper") is
another story though. I had no idea she felt that way about
him. I don't know if she really has something against him,
or if she was just mad. I know I spend a lot of time with
him, but what can I do? He's one of my best friends, and
we've helped each other through a lot lately. He's a great
person. He'll never replace her though. I hope she doesn't
think thats what's happening. Sure, I talk to him a lot,
and I spend a lot of time with him, and he's a very special
person to me, but he will never, ever repalce her. No one
could. Best friends are irreplacable. OK... enough of this
now.. I must be leaving. I hope she'll understand all of
this.




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