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2001-04-25 19:22:51 (UTC)


Journal 19, entry 4, Wednesday April 25, 2001

Dear Journal,

OK, I'm a little nervous. I have this weird uncomfortable
feeling, somewhat tied up with wedding planning and
thinking about all the unknowns in the future, including
buying a house, needing a car this summer, and my job,
which although currently provides a steady income, is not a
sure thing given the financial shakiness of this place.
While there seems to be tons of work here, I know the real
story is that there are those who are keeping this place
afloat, and those who are sucking it dry, and tons of

I can get a job, that's not the problem. I can even adjust
to all this newness, if I could only escape distraction.
What's on my mind right now is the following: does it ever
get to the point where I have certainty, where I have what
I want and I am happy with it? Or is life just one long
quest, constantly striving for better, for more, for "new
and improved"? Can we ever just be happy with the act of
the quest, rather than the end result? - because that is
what would seem to define "true happiness."

Well, to turn to things more mundane, like the details of
my life, it is really quite exciting. In May, there's the
trip to Vegas, then the bachelor party (low-key, I've seen
enough strippers in my life to know that I don't need to do
that), then gradually, the wedding in June. Then a real
vacation - probably the longest one I'll have in a long
time. When I focus on that, it seems the day to day
tensions seem ever so irrelevant. I need to find a way to
release myself on a daily basis, and to take things more in

That's all for now.

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