2002-02-07 19:42:13 (UTC)

My Thoughts...Twisted as They May Be.

You kow how it is when you fall in get that
happy-scared-excited feeling and you don't ever know what
to do. But what happens when you get to the point that the
happy part went away? And then you lose the excited part
and then the scared turns to worry. Worry that you will
lose him because of the way that you cook....or that
you "follow him around" too much...or that he will just
decide that he doesn't love you anymore.....What happens
then? Is it still love or is it just a habit? Just
something that you feel you have to have or you will die.
That you will go insane with out him. But really are you
nuts staying with him because of the way he treats you?
But what happens when you start to realize that he is mean
with cause...that you really are as horrible as he tells
you? Are you brainwashed or are you seeing clearer than
ever? Do you really want to stay with someone that treats
you as he does? But then you realize that he does those
things because you don't think before you speak and he
isn't patient enough to realize that you need a little more
help understanding things than he does. So that makes it
all ok in your mind till it happens again. But then you
are thrown into the same cycle the longer you stay. But
you can't leave because you love him. But do you? Or do
you just think that you love him? Have you lost all your
will power to do what you know you should do and that is
leave? Or should you leave? Afterall it is your fault
anyways....And now we are left in the same situation over
and over....How do you see the whole picture with certainty
and clarity? How do you know that what you see is real and
that you haven't been forced into thinking that it is
real? Maybe all you have to do is figure out what it is
that pisses him off and then NOT do those things. But
wait...what if he doesn't like you to recite lines in a
movie as you watch it and that is why you watched it. So
you could recite them. Do you risk upsetting him and
telling him that he can go somewhere else if he didn't want
to hear it? Or do you shut your mouth because you don't
want to lose him. But then right there have you lost your
guts or are you just keeping the peace? Or maybe you
learned to cook Spaghetti one way and he learned
another....So he comes in the kitchen and says, "What are
you doing?? That's not how you cook Spaghetti. You do it
like this." Or "Oh there isn't enough seasoning in this
meat...I'm not hungry." What do you do then? And it is
funny because you asked him for help with the seasonings
before you started to cook. But what did he say? "You can
do it. You make the Spaghetti" And yet he comes in
and "does it the right way" for you. It wasn't right it
was just different you tell him but he doesn't see it that
way. His way is right. Any other way is wrong. And why
is it that you can't leave him? Is it because he gives you
the love and attention and affection that you so crave?
Because you have never gotten that from someone before? Or
maybe is it that you love him with out a doubt and you
would do anything for love? But then are there
boundaries? Things that you wouldn't do for love? Yes
there is. You wouldn't risk losing your identity for
love. You wouldn't die for love....Or would you? Would
you allow someone to tell you what to do? Would you forget
WHO YOU ARE to please someone? Or would you be selfish and
not bend and compromise for anyone. Only do what you
want? But yet again....Are you changing who you are all
for the sake of love? Maybe it is just that you can't be
alone? No that's not true. You did it for 2 years. What
is it then? Why can't you leave him? Why is it that you
are always crying because you just can't make him happy?
And why does it make you sad that you can't please him?
Why? And why is it that he won't pay you the same
courtesy? Why won't he forget what he wants every now and
then and do things that would make you happy? Why is he so
selfish? And why do you put up wih it? Is it because
everyone tells you that it won't work and you are too
stubborne to let them be right? Do you have to prove
everyone wrong? Yes, yes you do. Oh and another thing.
Why is it that you always bend to what he wants? Because
you love him. But love doesn't mean that you can't say no
or have your own opinion. What does it mean then? It
means that two people care for eachother deeply and that
they try to make eachother happy and that they compromise
where it is needed. That they don't act abusive or try to
control and break eachother down. It doesn't mean that one
is always right and the other it always wrong. It means
you see things from eachother's point of view and that you
do what is needed to help eachother have a fulfilling
relationship. So what is it that I have? I have alot of
crying and alot of saddness but I also have alot of
happiness and laughter. So what do I do? I try to save
our relationship. But I talk to him about it. I tell him
my thoughts and feelings and then I let him decide what it
is he wants to do and if he isn't willing to make the same
sacrifices and compromises then I have no other choice but
to leave. Right?

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