Cat

poison

thats how i feel inside like i am poisoned i couldnt get
the therapist to see me today as she is too busy so i have
to wait until tomorrow which is a long time for me to wait
i am so tired i am going to go home and sleep after buying
some smoked salmon for a treat to cheer me up i hope it
works cos i am so depressed all the time and i want to curl
up and cry but the tears arent there when i need them i
want to talk to gl but she cant oh i told you that
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck i want to
finish it all i cant keep on going like this it is too hard
to pretend and the mask keeps slipping and then they will
see what is really here and i will be revealed for the
small child that i am and then any hope i had of getting a
job will be gone because you cant employ a kid to do an
adults work can you why can i not do it any more how come
it has become so hard to keep the mask on i miss the doctor
who wrote to me but not with any enthusiasm like she must
be so relieved that she doesnt have to deal with me again
thinking get me away from this freak thing like all of them
they never understand how i feel about them and i dont want
them to know that there is any feeling other than what is
meant to be there so that i dont get to this point where i
can feel that they think they know but they dont oh my god
i feel so awful and i want to die to die to die to die to
die what can i do i cant hurt ma and pa so much but i am
not prepared to keep going like this it would be easier if
i actually had a nervous breakdown or fainted from not
eating or something dramatic cos then the decision would be
taken out of my hands and i could be a child and get into
bed and read and let them deal with all the crap that is
too grownup and big for me cos i am just a kid and i want
to be cuddled and loved and told that it is ok by the
doctor mainly but by anyone who i know well enough i
suppose i just want to be looked after i am tired and my
head hurts cos these thoughts are coming out so fast and
typing this way makes it possible to type them as i think
them which is good there are a lot of them still in me but
i feel emotionally drained now so i will stop cat