The Shadow of Myself
Ad 0:
2002-02-07 07:31:40 (UTC)

I'm really honest a lot...

If somebody else did some of the stuff that he tends to
do.. I would be upset with them. But when he does it.. I
start to be upset.. but then I just forget about it. So he
can always do things that I would never let anyone else get
away with. That's not fair.

I gotta say that there is obviously some twisted part of me
that likes that.. otherwise I would have stopped it. This
is the first time that I've 'wanted' to not like someone
but I couldn't. Every other time I've been able to talk
myself out of it. This time.. I think I don't want to..
and I also think that if I tried.. I wouldn't be able to.
I mean.. I've learned that with him. I took soo much
effort between.. hmm.. like what.. the end of october until
like the beginning of january... trying to say that I
didn't like him when really the whole time I was liking him
more but I wouldn't admit it. So what's that about
anyway? How not fair is it to not have control over how
you feel? But again I've gotta say that I must like it in
someway or I would stop it.

So basically.. I like him.. a lot. BUT... I realize how
not ready I am for a relationship.. and I've heard him tell
me the same thing. That's all fine.. whatever. I just
decided though.. that it's still ok to like him. Which is
a good thing b/c I don't feel like stopping that. Liking
him makes me happy. Maybe b/c deep down I feel like he is
sorta feeling the same way as me only he doesn't want to
tell me for whatever reason. I think that.. b/c I can read
people pretty well. I even think that it could be possible
for him to not know he likes me.. or like.. that he denied
it so much b/c he didn't want anything.. that he now
believes himself. But still I say.. whatever. It doesn't
really matter b/c I'm gonna like him.. b/c I do.. and b/c I
don't even know why.. but that's what it comes down to.


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