angryanymore

this isn't about peeling an orange

... truthfully... ... i'm scared of the future.

i keep thinking... looking around my room, rather.. at the
pictures scattered across my walls.. the drawings...
erika's art... little pieces of places that used to be the
present... and nostalgia crashes into my forhead... leaving
this big ache... ... and i think to myself, "it's almost
gone." ... everything... this. now. ... my teenage life as
i know it. ... these are supposed to be the best days of my
life.. and maybe they are... ... but they're almost over.
i'm going to leave... in less than 2 years... it seems
almost unbelievable... and i want to... but i'm frightened
beyond my imagination... only coming home to my feather bed
every once in a while... not ever having time to appreciate
the art on my walls again... not walking in and smelling
that left over incense smell... (because no one will be
there to burn it while i'm gone)... ... and my mom and i...
we aren't really emotional towards each other... but god...
i'm going to cry when she help me roll my luggage and
duffle bags out to the car... and drives with me to
hattiesburg... and i know i'm being a baby... and i know
it's too soon to even worry... but... every day counts...
and ... i feel like i'm letting it slip away.. and i don't
know how to stop feeling that way.

... i realize i've been organizing my life in chapters

1) my birth and childhood: mamaw's flower girl, ballerina,
and heartbreaker

2)moving from clarksdale to nowhere

3)the preteen years... softball and gymnastics... oy

4)leaving private school and joining the ranks of my public
avengers in jr. high

5)freshman year of highschool at sphs

6)sophomore year... kolby... kolby... manic manic
kolby... :my first love

7)the summer and my junior year...: the series of
meaningless short lived relationships

8)literature, the weekends, and nostalgia for now.

.... ....

chip said... "neeley, promise me something..." i
said "what?" he said "don't break my heart" and i said "you
know i can't promise that..." ...

am i cruel? ... i can't promise i won't... ... chances are
i will.. and i know it's awful...but it's life... and ...
it could be a very valuable experience for him...
right? ... i mean... all of these conflicting emotions that
i possess... are ingredients for disaster... and promises
are something you should base your life upon... i had to
learn that... why shouldn't he? ... we're all human here...
-he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he
says... ... ... i can barely imagine the rest of my life on
my own... and he's saying these kinds of things?! freak me
out why don't you? it's ok... really... i don't mind...
arggggggg... i hate possessive clingy people! ... somebody
stop him...

...i miss issac... my soothsayer... i haven't talked to
him... and i am seriously sucking because of it... ... oh
well... so this is life...

so tired...

neeley.