There's life down below me though.
2002-02-07 04:33:52 (UTC)

What Men Want -Feb7

Yes, that's going to be the name of my first book... or more
realistically my last. Today I wonder to myself,... maybe we
are meant to walk alone. Who wants you to ever be so weak in
love? Men don't want to voluntarily treat you well... they
just want you to keep them from fucking up in the first
place. It's not like they feel good about being assholes,
but they don't ever really want to apologize because you let
them do it to begin with. That makes sense right?

So where's the passion now? It's fairy dust waiting for the
right time to come together into a beautiful ephemeral
moment again. Am I so daft as to think that passion is
perpetual? Even love. Who has the energy to love so intently
and so consistently? I certainly don't. This evening, I
decided to prescribe myself some selfish bitch time. It
started when I spent $144 on my hair this afternoon, and
solidified when I refused a blowjob and demanded make-up
sex... and commenced to do my homework. I have needs too! So
yeah, I'm getting a little tired of spending my thoughtful
moments on other people and their issues instead of my own
desires in living. Such a simple revelation... but it seems
here lately that the simplest notions have come to me as if
I had never stumbled upon them before. Like:

a)Why do I always panic the morning after I write an
infamous "note" and start blaming myself for the entire
situation? Answer: Because I then have doubts about whether
or not I actually want to be rid of the relationship. Hey,
maybe I can tolerate a little more bullshit before I fly off
the handle and break up with them finally.

So... tonight. I admitted to myself that the evening didn't
really go to plan at all. Getting an apology was like
pulling teeth. I certainly didn't feel any better about what
we were fighting about, and he didn't seem very affected. I
don't feel satisfied, but I do feel more in tune to this
game. Okay, so I went through my bitchy-girlfriend spell and
he's playing his game. Whatever. I'm not so much interested
in the details of his game, because I can almost guarantee
that it comes down to maintaining our sexual relationship
and making sure I don't get too much control. So... I'm
walking away from this incident with a new frame of mind. So
I'll be heartless and insensitive and caniving. I'll stay
with you for sex, I'm not drooling over the phone anymore,
and I'll continue to hook my friends up with the good
parties that his frat provides. It's basically keeping what
was existing except not breaking my heart over the idea that
maybe we aren't so damn in love after all. Now, the ideal
situation is that I just lighten up and fairy dust will
accumulate in our eyes again and all will be well and fine.
Other than that, I might just get good ass for the rest of
the semester and say I'm dating a soccer player. Woo fuckin