This is me and how my life goes.
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2001-04-25 09:43:42 (UTC)

More bad dreams... i'm hanging in there

Dear Journal,
Hey this isn't going to be as long as my other entry's
mostly because it's really late and I have class in the
morning and I haven't even finished my homework. Anyway last
night I was up until five. I couldn't sleep, when I did I
just had nightmares and I mean they were really really bad.
The last time I woke up I was in the corner of my bed
rocking back and forth. Don't ask me how I got there, I
guess my dream was so bad that I just couldnt' handle it.
I'm doing a little better this week Considering it's only
Wednesday, I haven't really had one of my emotional attacks
yet. I mean I get moody and pissy but then I try anything
and everything to calm myself down before I start freaking
out and crying. I hate when I do that. I try my hardest all
day not to think about David until i'm writing in here and I
can't help but think about him. I had a question for you,
what am I supposed to take from this thing with Josh? I mean
we were really kissing on Saturday I haven't heard from him.
Is he avoiding me? Am I avoiding him? I think I am, because
today I looked in the mirror and I decided that I was ok,
that I didn't need a realtionship or want one right now. So
I think that maybe i'm avoiding him because he may want
something more than I do. I mean... what if he does, then
what? Then I know i'm going to get myself into a
relationship with him because i'll feel bad otherwise. Damn
what am I going to do with myself? I mean like I said, I
love him and I love being in his arms but I can't get into a
relationship right now. If I did, i'd fall head over heels
in love with him again and then he would just break my heart
and I would totally have a breakdown. I can't afford that
right now, I have to focus on school, ok so I guess this is
long eno

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