I dont even believe in love.
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2001-04-25 04:01:22 (UTC)

i think i might sleep tonight

today was one of those days that makes no sense at all. I
couldnt sleep at all last night, and i spent the majority
of my time counting the cracks in my ceiling and thinking
about what a mess i have become lately. i went to work at
7:00 am - and the day started off crappy as usual - that
is, up until i logged on this site and read all of the
really sweet messages people had left me. That made me feel
really good - a certain one especially. Well anyhow, i went
on to check my email where i found a super sweet email from
my best friend joshua. that soooo made my day - but then it
got even better!

You see, im not sure if this is all in my head (possibly
due to lack of sleep) - but today for the first time i got
this feeling - while ryan and i were talking online - like
i just didnt really have to be scared anymore. Im not sure
if it is because i thought it all out last night, or if it
was because of how nice he has been to me, or even because
he finally changed his profile so that it didnt indicate he
was *looking* (which it always has since i met him)...
well, whatever it was i am so glad it happened. i feel
better damnit.I think thatdeep down maybe he did that just
for me to see.

Well, after all this i finally was able to leave work at
7:00. I helped my dad down to his car,said goodnight, and
headed home. I cleaned the kitchen up and went to visit my
friend Patty that lives down the street. Basically i just
watched her get drunk and then she started giving me advice
(she actually gave some good advice) and it went like this:

*jenna - whatever you choose to do, if you let it work, it
will work*

that was probably one of the most encouraging things i had
ever heard. kinda makes me feel like i have control of
something - and i never feel like that. well, i figure, if
this theory holds any water - youll be reading about alot
more good days. hey, it's worth a shot!

good night everyone