Christine

Paralyzed

2-6-02
2am

Cant Think
Cant Move
I Am In Shock

I am writing two letters. On to me and one to him. His wont
be delivered tho..

Why cant I express myself verbally? I think it sbecause I
dont want to do anything to upset him or scare/push him
away. I cant even express my love feelings for fear of
scaring him or something.

I want to make my journal private. Then I can keep
strangers away since i have pushed everyone else away
including the man I love. Hell, maybe I can get the world
to stay the fuck away from me.

He says he wont leave but maybe he should. He deserves
someone so much better. Someone who isnt annoying,
emotional, withdrawn, selfish and crazy. It would break my
heart so so much to not have him but I cant be selfish. I
dont deserve him...

I know he is reading this, resenting the fact that I cant
communicate anything with him and all I can say is Im
sorry. Years of being told what I feel and think is wrong
has conditioned me to hide everything from everyone. I know
you arent "anyone" but you dont always make it any easier...