Pandora

More

5 Feb 2002
9:33 p.m.

I...have...a...problem. My personality is such that I become
easily addicted to things that are pleasureable. I'm having the
dysfunction with food again. It has to stop. I'm going to have to
stop eating. It may be the only way. Tonight I was eating and I got
full and I kept going and I thought I might get sick and I still
kept going until it was uncomfortable and it hurts. And I want SO
BADLY to throw it all up, but there are too many people in the suite
right now and I don't want to start that again anyway, although it
worked pretty well, but it was easier when there weren't seven
people here all the time. And I don't know what the problem is;
there's a void or something: when someone leaves I eat and when I'm
alone and when something bad happens or when I'm upset and I can't
do this anymore because it's this Catch-22 where I want to jump out
of a window because I don't like my body and I eat so that I don't
jump out of my window and this was so much easier when I was
throwing up or not eating and I miss throwing up (traumatic and
exhilarating at the same time) and I especially miss my denim skirt
and AC said hi on Sunday even though he was at David's house and I
missed that crush all of a sudden and I miss my figure when I liked
him and I think I might really have to throw up only I'm worried
that I won't remember how and I think I may just not eat for the
rest of the week and take pills.