a little piece of me
2002-02-06 04:21:37 (UTC)

no more

i started this diary on a night much like this one. i was
very down, very close to the edge. i thought, maybe
getting my thoughts and feelings down will help. things
seemed to be going ok after a little while. i got one
better than just being able to write. i met someone from
here. heather. through heather i met brett. i thought,
wow, sure am glad i stumbled upon this thing that night.
tonight, my thoughts are much different. for some time
now, i have not been doing well at all. i haven't been
writing this in here, because i did not want to add to
heather's troubles. i didn't want her to know what was
going on. last week i had my toes over the edge, so to
speak. i was ready to go, and tried to tell brett good
bye. he wouldn't let me. he called, talked to him, then
his mom, then him again. after, i felt a little better.
but that didn't last long at all. in fact, i'm miles below
where i was last week. how long til i hit bottom? i'm

i was going to talk to brett today, tell him that i wasn't
doing well again. he had other things to do, which was
fine. i do not hold that against him in any way
whatsoever. but it got me thinking. he's busy. heather's
sick. jessie's preoccupied. my brother doesn't care. my
parent's have their own problems. who's left for me? no
one. no one. i've been holding on for so long, and for
what reason? before, it was for those people. short list,
i know. but i realized that that's how things will always
be. i can't expect anyone to be there for me when i need
them. they have other things to think about, other things
to do. and i'm too weak to handle this on my own. the
medication hasn't helped at all. i'm feeling worse now
than i ever have before. and i've made up my mind.
everything ends tonight.

i can't deal anymore, nor do i want to. last week, i was
holding on to the remote possibility that someone cared.
now i see that's not the case. i've tried talking, but no
one listens. i don't blame them. i wouldn't want to
listen to me, either. 'everyone's just waiting for their
turn to speak'. well maybe after tonight, someone will
hear my message. why do i so desperately need to be
heard? i'm not sure. i desperately needed to feel loved,
wanted, needed. never in my life have i felt any of those
things. and now it's time for things to come to an end. i
no longer want help. i just want to close my eyes and
never wake up, which is exactly what i will do. no more
emptiness. no more sadness. no more pain. it's rather
unfortunate that by the time someone hears the message, the
speaker will be gone.

the end


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