Visions Of Life
2002-02-06 02:37:25 (UTC)

Wandering Down A Black Cloud..


Its not that Im depressed. Well, not the kind of depressed
where I cry and cut and all that fun stuff..

What I am feeling now.. I do not know if its worse then my
usual depression. I have the hopelessness, the wanting to be
alone, the emptiness... but I dont know. Its different.

I had the urge to cut. It was quite different. I wasnt
emotional. I wasnt angry. I was just laying in bed staring
at my wrist. I feel so empty.. so alone.. so numb... Have no
razors..I will keep it that way too..

This past week has been one f the worst of my life.. not all
of it.. no jumping to conclusions.. but it has made me think
about some things and thinking makes me depressed.. the one
person I want to talk to doesnt seem to want to talk to me..
I try calling.. either a busy signal or no answer.. I
wait for a call.. nothing.. what did I do wrong? The last
time I saw him I said I love you.. the next time we talked I
said i finished my taxes.. the last time which was yesterday
i said, i hope to hear from you tonight.. what did i do
wrong?? i guess i dont understand this dating and love
bullshit.. fuck..

V-day is coming up.. I hate v-day.. good thing Im working..

I was trying to fill out my financial aid form fr school but
i think i am too stupid to fill it out.. i just cant do it..

I have slipped into my fantasy world... I just cant deal
with reality anymore.. I am in so much pain..

The days are dragging by... I do not see any light... Only
this darkness inside... This internal pain... I count the
days till my death... Perhaps the wait wont be long...