Magic of Mascara
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2002-02-05 20:58:13 (UTC)

My shitty life

So now I'm back at square one. No friends and a huge dark
cloud over my head. Brian said something about seeing a
free shrink that he knows in the city. I think I should. I
don't feel like driving to go see Leigh. The one person in
my life that I could keep as a friend right now. Maybe this
is a good thing, u know, not having any friends. My Aunt
was telling me about places hiring up in Exton. They aren't
picky at all and they'll hire you on the spot. I should get
a full time job up there and borrow money off my mom to
start paying for a car and eventually move up there. This
sucks though. Just to know that the only people that know
me really well don't care to be around me at all. Maybe i'm
not a people person. If I'm gonna be around people for the
rest of my life then why should I even stick around, fuck
the shrink I know a few ways to deal with my saddness.
Nobody will even miss me. My family is slowly turning
against me because they don't care for the person
I'm 'becoming'. I have no friends so whos gonna come to my
funeral and hug my mom? True friends don't fuck with other
peoples boyfriends, true friends don't turn their back on
their bestfriends and loose their friends trust completely.
Well fuck that, I'm done trying so hard and then fucking up
in the end so badly that i loose everything. I don't need
shit in my life because if i get a new job I'll meet new
people and if I get a car and I go different places. Fuck
people, I do nothing but hurt them, so why do I need them
and why do they need me? I only hurt them in the end
because I'm such a bad fucking person. I mean I hurt my one
friend so badly that she doesnt even wanna touch her
boyfriend anymore but the night that all the shit went down
between her n I, she asked him to go sleep over her house.
People aren't perfect and they all make mistakes. Most
people, like me, feel absolutely horrible after doing
something or being accused of something massive. Like with
Chrissie, I thought my heart was breaking and I thought I
was gonna die because she was slowly trying to turn all my
friends against me. I have slept with one of my friends
boyfriends and I still to this day feel absolutely horrible
about it because I ruined their family. I am not out to
sleep with any of my friends or exfriends boyfriends. I
don't even wanna touch any of my friends or exfriends
boyfriends because I know what that does to a person. I
don't need people that tell me that I'm small, I don't like
dick more then my friends thats fucking bullshit, and I'm
tired of being told that i need to be put on a pedastool
when that's not what I'm fucking writing about. I don't
need friends in my life, my tv will do me just fine and
once I find a fulltime job and have car payments and move
out, I'm not gonna have time for friends or a life. Who
would wanna cherish every moment they get with their
friends before all that shit happens anyway? Jesus I only
sit here and look at my life with a brick wall at the end
of it, knowing that i'm gonna have to get a job and move
out and start paying bills sooner or later. Why do i ask
every single night if my friends are going out? Cause I
dont wanna be excluded, and if I didn't bug them then i
wouldn't be wanted. I guess I blew my second chance even
though I was told nothing happened. Why I fuck things up in
my life is beyond me, but if someone could send me a big
ass box of bandaids so I all i would have to do is patch
the scar up and everything would be good before my teenlife
stops and my adult life starts...that'd be wonderful. I
don't think a shrink can give me that but I should go talk
to one anyway.