Pandora's Box
2002-02-05 20:01:38 (UTC)

My Famiy, My Body, My Life

5 Feb 2002
12:00 p.m.

Okay, so I should be in class right now, but it was just a POSC
lecture I was gonna sleep through and I needed to do some WRIT work
anyway. And I really wanted to call Mom. I have never appreciated my
family as much as I have lately. I miss them so much, and the
feeling is pretty mutual. I find that I can't wait to go home now; I
think this summer will be a really good one. I kinda like how
much Mom and I get along now better than when I lived there. I think
we all grew up when I left for school.

So there's my body. Yup, it's there. I don't know if I'm making
any real progress, but I definetly have days where I feel better
about it. I'm eating better. I'm not trying to go without eating as
much. I don't know if that's good or bad (maybe I'm still a little
screwed up) or how long it'll last. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow
thinking food is evil. Whatever. But I still have a lot of work to
do. I was at home and I was in these shorts I used to wear around
when I was cooking (I had to bake for the Superbowl party) and I
noticed that all the muscle tone in my legs that I used to be so
proud of had turned to fat. I was so upset. And I hadn't worn shorts
since August so I hadn't noticed it earlier. On a brighter note, I
was stretching earlier and noticed that I'm starting to grow a bit
of muscle in my pecs. That's kind of cool. Not that I'm trying to
get big like a body builder or anything, but that makes my chest
firmer which means my boobs will look bigger (or higher, at least).
Not that I'm looking to get any bigger (if I have to go shopping for
bras again because I'm bigger, I'm going to have these things
removed). But perky is good; apparently you can do with push ups
what women pay two grand to have done in surgery (I don't think
getting a lift is the same as implants: nothing fake,they just move
them a bit). But I'm rambling...

So I had a sex dream the other night that threw me off (I don't
usually get those unless something in my head triggers it, but this
one was subconscious) and it was about somebody I shouldn't have
been dreaming about (and I wasn't even thinking about him this way).
It was weird; more realistic than I usually have, but still
romanticized (and this is where I appreciate the fact that I'm still
mildly naive about the way I view sex). So there was a fight or
break up or something (it was futuristic-I was living in an
apartment or something but I still went here) and I think we were
talking a lot and we stumbled on to the subject and then we ended up
in bed talking (clothed) and then somehow we decided that we would
and then I thought he was distracted and we had this long talk and
then he convinced me (and I fell for him...figures) and then we
did...three times. And the first was realistic and then the other
ones were romanticized (and by romanticized, I mean really good) and
I woke up all weirded out and I think the first thing out of my
mouth was, 'Where did that come from?' And then I saw him and it was
kind of weird. I tried not to think about it, because I'm not trying
to think of him that way, but at the same time, I'm wondering (don't
want to admit that to myself, but oh well). Cause in the dream he
was all...DAMN. He was workin' it. Anyway, that's not exactly
conveinient. But I guess I'll just deal.