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2002-02-05 17:17:02 (UTC)

First Day

Today is Feburary 5th, 2002. Maybe this thing tells you
that when you read it and maybe it doesn't. I don't care.

It has been three days since I broke up with Danielle
Barboza. It has been two days since I tried to explain my
reasons for leaving her. And it has been ten minutes since
I discovered this on my desktop, waiting for me when I woke

stupid bitch, you knew i was a snake

yeah, i guess i did... snakeface is indeed a perfect name
for you. ok. so you betray me. but do you really have to
drive the wound so deep?

don't you dare ever doubt for an instant that i loved you
more than anything. don't you dare ever think that maybe
you weren't everything i wanted. cause you were. don't you
dare try and take that from me.

you want to end things, fine. but don't you dare doubt all
of the feelings i had for you. don't you dare try and
pretend that you didn't wreck something that was beautiful
and perfect until you backed out of it. don't you dare say
that you wrecked it for me. so i could find someone who was
good for me. cause that's a step down. you were perfect for

don't you dare expect me to be able to just forget about
you. don't you dare expect me to harbor good feelings for
you. or let go of the memories of what was there. because
it was solid and whole and complete. until you backed out.
and now it's GONE.

For the record, I never, ever called her a stupid bitch. I
would never do that. I wouldn't even mutter it under my
breath like a pussy. I don't even know why I'm telling you
this, or why I'm posting my meagre problems on a public
message board for people to read and sayu, "Oh, that's too
bad, but he's a bastard anyway so who really gives a

Right. Let's start over.

I'm a 19-year old bastard who goes to Bridgewater State
College. I'm majoring in Elementary Education. I'm 5'3,
weight 98 pounds, have brown hair and green carrion eyes,
and my heart feels like it's going to explode all over the
computer screen. That's about all you need to know for
right now.

I really didn't anticipate all the horrible reactions
breaking up with her would have. I didn't think there
would be members of my circle of friends looking for me all
day, looking for blood, looking to push me up against a
wall and scream at me. I didn't think my roleplaying games
would be destroyed, although that was probably a
gimmie 'cause she's in those too...I don't know who to
trust or talk to and I don't know where to go. I don't
even know what to feel for anyone anymore, least of all
myself. I'm having an awfully hard time convincing myself
that I'm worth anything, and I can't convince myself that
I'm still a good person. I can't even convince Beth (who
we'll get to in a minute) that I'm worth looking at.

Beth was the girl I dated, off and on, from 7th grade until
Freshman year at college. I ran away with Danni for
several reasons, none of which seem valid now that I've
reached the point where I am today. I would occassionally
wander back up to Boston, where she lives, and try to
convince her that we could still make something of our
lives, but she never wanted anything of it. My last
meeting was especially weird, because she wanted me to hold
her for quite some time, and it was all I could do for a
while. And then she said that I really belonged back over
there, on the couch, so I went there and didn't go back.
I'm headed up there tomorrow to see my friend Katie and to
see Beth again, so who knows what will happen then? Beth
will likely tell me to fuck off and never come back, but I
think I can handle that. It wouldn't be the first time
someone told me that.

Anyway, I think I'm going to run over to the dining hall,
sneak some food and head back here. I'll stay here until
7, when I have a class, and then I'll come back here and

My life is offically over.

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