Self harming dyke
Ad 2:
2002-02-05 13:34:20 (UTC)

nothing much

mood: bored
music: bjork
cuts: went a bit mad last night - have sore wrist

Seeing the therapist this evening thank God. I was so upset
yesterday that I went out at lunchtime and got a razor and
some plasters. Went into the loos at work and cut and cut
and cut. Got home and cut more and more. Saw the lovely
blood and felt the pain, and felt soooooooo much better.
Went out for a drink and had a nice evening with my mate

I am very fucked up.


PS When I was at home trying not to cut, I cleaned the
flat, worked out a bit, then just lay in a ball with my
pillow and talked to myself as though it was the doctor. It
felt so nice. I heard her telling me that I was OK, I just
needed to take deep breaths and relax. It worked for a bit,
but then I got scared and threw the pillow across the room
and then the doctor was gone. I had refused the help...
again. She couldn't help. I miss her so much. So I cut.

I want her to look after me. I want someone, anyone, to
really love me and take care of me. I don't mean in a
sexual way either - just mother me and cuddle me and be
there. It won't happen. I really scared myself last night.
I didn't think it was going to stop ever. It took so long
to get the yucky feeling out of me that I wondered what i
was going to do. I stood by the window to get some air and
I really thoguht about throwing myself out. But someone
would have to clear up the mess or a kid might see it and
be scarred for life. Too selfish - I couldn't do that. I
would have to find a clean way that wouldn't hurt anyone
more than necessary. God! This is some PS, huh!?

OK I'm seeing the therapist at 7pm. I can cope until then.
I wonder what we'll talk about? I felt so upset last time.
I wanted to stay and just forget about it all and just oh I
don't know anymore. I'm so lost. Like a small kid that has
wandered off.