Bitch & Moan
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2001-04-24 19:02:22 (UTC)

My problems

I know that I create my own problems because I don't
fucking think before I act. I do things spur of the moment
and ride in the momentum and then when I crash into the
wall, I whine "why me??" I realize this, yet I still do
the same stupid things. Take for instance my life at this
point. I thought that by my age that I would be married, a
couple of kids, house with a white picket fence, yada,
yada, yada....well, I guess one out of three ain't bad ~ I
am blessed with two WONDERFUL, SMART & BEAUTIFUL children.
I feel lucky to have them. But I wanted so much more. My
heart yearns for my ex-husband, but what if it is not
really him I want and more so the dream that we started. I
would have continued that dream had I not felt so trapped
in Saint Mayberrys. I might have just found my little
house with the fence and the swing on the front...but
no...I didn't think I could take anymore of the bullshit.
Had I known that all men are created equal and that in any
relationship that I would encounter utter bullshit, I might
have stayed with the ex. I couldn't have known. And now,
here I am "poor me. why me?" I just want life to be easy
and it is not. I want to just have my life perfect...I
just want so badly to just run away and find that life, but
am I chasing rainbows?? I don't think that there really is
any perfect life, but GOD help me to stop making stupid
mistakes all of the time!!! Now, all I want to do at this
moment in time is to take my kids, move into my own little
apartment and lock myself away from the pain of any
relationship. If I cannot have the man I want, then I
won't have any. If I cannot have the perfect life that I
crave, then I won't have any. If I had enough money...I
would be gone....so, I must, must, must save money...I must
get myself straightened out. I need insurance so that I can
go to a counselor and get some serious HELP! I need to
stop this destructive path I am on. I don't want my kids
to grow up all fucked up and thinking that my life is the
way that normal people live. I dont' want them to go
through the same pain and disappointments that I have been