I dont even believe in love.
Ad 0:
2001-04-24 17:01:24 (UTC)

i am truly amazed.

well, last night was really something special. time to
vent! I was supposed to go to a show in manhattan with one
of my friends but i ended up blowing it off so i could sit
on aol and talk to ryan for 15 minutes - yes, i know im
pathetic. I was about to sign off 7 get ready when he
signed on, and instead i sat there and talked to him while
i called up my friend Nick to cancel.anyway, my friend Nick
was pissed off at me for about 2 minutes, but since he
knows i been working like crazy lately he let me off easy.
then i went to dinner at my friend / neighbor gina's house.
it was fun and all, but sometimes i wonder if i am really a
female. i mean, im sitting in a room with two girls - both
my age - both from my area - and i was listening to them
talk. And as i sat there all i could think about was how
dumb they sounded. talking about cheating on their
boyfriends like it was cool, smoking weed in front ogf
ginas 9 year old brother, and the every-two-minute shopping
for slutty summer clothes references. how friggin shallow
can people be? these are supposed to be my *best friends* -
i dont even understand them! seriously i wanted to just
kill myself. how come i never have anything in common with
other girls? i feel like a friggin mutant sometimes. why i
never get used to this feeling. Its always been this way.

Well anyhow, once again, im sitting in my office pretending
to work. I dont know why i do this every day. I would
probably be a hell of alot more productive if i just took
aol off my damnn computer, but then id have no social life
to screw that idea. Ryan took a personal day from work, so
i got to talk to him for a little while this morning. That
was cool, definately cheered me up a bit. While i was not
sleeping all night last night, i decided that i really need
to chill out about all this boy stuff. I feel like a dork
and i so dont wanna be *one of those girls*. I remember
once, i think it was the second weekend we spent together,
he told me about how girls always seem to fall in love with
him and stuff.. haha because he is so irresistable of
course. well, honestly i dont even believe in love, and i
know im not actually *in love* with him - because that
would be impossible. What my problem is is that im *in
like* with him and it scares me. what i mean by *in like*
is that i have this feeling when im around him that i dont
have with other people. I really wish that he would just
say it - just once - how he actually feels. I mean id
settle for a *yeah i think this could go somewhere* or a
*not a chance in hell* just so i knew where i stood, ya
know. I hate feeling like this - all on edge and
voulnerable. It just isnt my style. I think i just need to
friggin relax and let go a little bit - and even though i
know its not gonna be easy - i made a promise to myself
last night - so this is what im gonna do. I dont wanna be
one of those needy girls that ends up getting crapped all
over. ive been there. i dont wanna go back.

oh, and finally, this morning to my suprise i had a few
messages from some of you about my first entry. I just
wanted to say thank you - that meant so much to me. i never
thought anyone would even read this mess - i gave a link to
ryan last night too (which was probably a dumb idea) because i told
him about starting it - but i made him promise me not to talk to me
about it (i figure that way i wont have to know for sure that he
never even actually looked, haha) - so thanks guys. im gonna stick to
this for sure - i had no idea that being able to actually express
this mess between my ears would make things so much better.
So please, if you have anything to say keep the replies
coming! i need all the help i can get!