Bitch & Moan
2001-04-24 14:14:57 (UTC)

I need to

I seriously need to let my mind wander and really let
myself be creative and open on here...I mean, no-one knows
me here! All I have done is bitch, whine, throw a fit and
jumped out a window here! My life, boo-hoo...I sound like
I am a love sick teen...you wouldn't know that I am a 34
year old! I just get so overwhelmed and I just want to do
things NOW. I have no patience. An old friend of mine
used to say "If it ain't happening now, it ain't
happening." Well, I am all about that philosphy...but now
he is gone...and he has changed his mind on that one. But,
I am not even going to go there. I am going to concentrate
for once on ME, me, me, me! I don't know what will make me
happy. I layed in bed this morning thinking that I have
not truly been happy in over a year. Every day I TRY to be
happy where I am. I try to say to myself "Gosh, you know,
S is not such a bad person, he treats me nice, he helps out
around the house, he helps with the bills...." AND yet, I
am not happy. I am settling and I know it. I just don't
know what to do. I compare him and my Ex constantly. I
cannot stop myself, and I spend my days so irritated at him
for nothing. I don't allow him to be himself because I
want him to be someone else. Someone I can't have. And
yet, I am not in a big hurry to leave...for the reasons
above: nice, helps with bills,etc. I would love to be out
on my own...but I know that I would be so very sad. I am
so in love with my Ex-husband...I just want to get over
him...he is so over me...but he just doesn't want to admit
it. He says he will do what he can to get here...but then
what?? More games. If he really wanted to be with me or
even to be closer to me, he would make an effort to call,
write, send carrier pigeons...etc....so, as you can see, I
truly need to just leave MEN in general alone. I just want
to be happy. I don't know what to do to get there. I am
stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have lived on my
own and it was GREAT!!! BUT, then I had to move and my
only place to go was back with SWE. I have two children to
worry about. I know that we all have to be responsible for
ourselves, but I wish that I could get some help somewhere
to afford decent housing. I don't want to slave everyday at
work to JUST pay the rent. To just buy food. And forget
clothing...I can't even tell you how long it had been. So,
you see...I am quite un-happy in my current situation,
because I like & love my BF, but am not IN love with
him...I am IN love with my Ex-husband, but he has his own
agenda....and here I am, un-satisfied in my life, but not
sure what to do about it. I know that I COULD get
out...but why should I subject my children and myself to
poverty??? It is not as if I HAVE to get out. I believe
that women will do amazing things to protect and help their
children. Must be nice to be a man...walk away, live the
single free flowing life...live where-ever you want...have
only yourself to please and take care of. Just so
different for me. Shit, I said I wasn't going to bitch and
look what happened. I just need a solution. I need a room-
mate?? Who wants to do that??? I don't know anyone who is
looking for a room-mate right now...and believe me, if I
got a room-mate it would be a MAN ~ and then what??? I
would be accused of leaving the situation to go to someone
else. I don't know...I guess I will just continue to
think about this and ponder the right answer until I know
for sure what I am going to do. I do know that I am
starting to save up my money and pay off all of my
debts...this way, when it is time for me to fly away...I
will be debt free on the way out....All my ducks in a row,
I hope. What would truly make me happy??? To turn back
the hands of time. To have never met SWE or SH and to have
just stayed with my husband...forcing him into
counseling..to be with him right now....that would make me