Flower Princess

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2002-02-04 23:19:27 (UTC)

"I've always been attracted To her Butterfly tattoo..."-Dexter Freebish song

I got a butterfly tattoo last Friday. I was extremely
drunk, and it seemed like a very good idea at the time. I
don't regret it though, in fact, I'm very glad I did it. I
don't know if I would have had the courage to do it if I
wasn't drunk, so I'm glad I was. It's SO pretty, and I
think it's very sexy. It's small, no bigger than a
quarter, on my lower back. Everyone asked if it hurt, and
it did, but not as badly as you'd think a tattoo would hurt.
On a deeper level, the idea of putting something on my
body that will stay there forever is a comfort. When I'm
45 and my kids think I'm the world's biggest loser, I'll
have something that never grows old, and reminds me of my
crazy youth. Or when I'm 80 and I've spent my life
galavanting across the world, my butterfly will still be
there(granted, wrinkled and a bit saggy)to remind me of the
days I was just starting to explore life. So when people
say, "You know, you're going to have that for LIFE," I
think, "Isn't that beautiful?"
Sometimes I have the overwhelming sensation that I am
very different from who people think I am. That I fit
myself into this person, this nice girl, good student,
NORMAL teenage American citizen, and sometimes the true me
spills out in crazy ways. Like this tattoo. No one else I
go to school with has one. I got a few strange looks today
when I showed everyone. I feel like if you looked at me,
then at my reflection, and the reflection was the true me
and I was who I pretended to be, the two wouldn't look
anything alike at all. On the inside I want to be radical,
mysterious, crazy, experimental, and save the world, while
on the outside, I just want to watch tv, listen to music,
succeed day by day in my underwhelming school, and hang out
with my friends at the mall.
Some people might say I'm just like every other
rebellious teenager who gets a tattoo and I'm not
individual in the slightest. Maybe so, but is it so wrong
to want to rebel against the homogenous life you lead? The
double life, in fact, that ugly facade you feel like you
have to keep up, because when you let out glimpses of who
you really are, you learn quickly enough to keep them
buried?
I guess my self confidence just isn't high enough to be
who I really am. Maybe that's why I idolize the hippies,
because they were who they were no matter what. But while
they were different, they were also the same-as each
other. But who knows, maybe some day I'll meet people just
like me, who I feel like I really am, who want to change
things and be different, break the mold. But until then
I'll just be a little depressed, a little downtrodden as I
drink, get high, party, and get tattoos.


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